#anyways. please i want to transcribe so bad

[kazumist]

EPISODE 28 ✦ PLEASE LOVE ME AT MY WORST

LOVE, MAYBE — A CHILDE SMAU

masterlist / prev ep / next ep / wc: 1265.

fifteen minutes is almost up; am i about to die?

ajax thoughts wander to all sorts of places as he nervously checks and watches the time move on his wristwatch. as to why he agrees so easily to your request to talk to him—he doesn’t know either. it just felt… right to agree. 

he knows it would pain him to say no to you anyway.

perhaps it was just the small part of him that still hopes. that one little speck in him that hopes this “talk” would mend the rift that had formed between the two of you. it was probably stupid to have such expectations when he was pretty sure you were dead set on your answer to him before.

so it confuses him. why did you want to talk? did you want to just slap it in his face once again? no, you weren’t like that. you would never do something that mean. but that just leads him back to square one: why?

the sound of soft footsteps growing louder alerts ajax, and he takes a deep breath because he knows it’s you. yet he takes a glance to check anyway. there you were, standing before him as he gets the familiar feeling of being starstruck surging through him. keep it together, ajax. he warns himself. 

“hi…” you softly said. 

“hey.”

hey? who the hell says hey nowadays, ajax? get a grip! he mentally scolds himself, forcing him to pull out a tight smile to you instead to save him from his embarrassment. meanwhile, you thought otherwise of his reaction. oh god, he probably hates me. he never gives me that smile. it looks so forced. he probably just felt bad and forced himself to meet me out at this hour. your thoughts ran fast inside your mind as you fiddled with your fingers.

“uhm.. i wanted to talk—”

“so why did you want to meet—”

you both paused when you realized you both spoke at the same time. “you go first,” he insisted. but you gestured otherwise and told him, “oh, it’s fine. you can go.”

“i insist. ladies first?”

seeing as this would go nowhere if you just went back and forth like that, you took a deep breath. 

“i love you.”

for the whole day (and the additional fifteen minutes ajax gave you), you thought of many ways on how to approach childe with the topic of what happened before. yet none of those really started with “i love you." the best option you got after thinking so hard actually started with “i’m sorry.” the “i love you” part was supposed to be near the end of the whole monologue you had prepared inside your head.

ajax only stared at you, dumfounded at your words. “shit, sorry, i—that wasn’t how i wanted to start, uhm—” you let out a sigh, a slightly shaky one at that because of your mistake. don’t fuck up this one up and run away again, (name). you mentally took note. but then again, fuck that monologue you prepared beforehand. if you want to do this properly, then it’s better to do this as bare as your emotions could get, right?

taking another deep breath, you decided to speak up again before ajax could. “i’m going to be honest. i actually prepared some long speech that is supposedly transcribed inside my brain right now. but i definitely think i just forgot a good chunk of that speech now that i’m actually with you.” 

“i’m sorry, ajax. i let my fear get the best of me that day. i never wanted to tell you to go away; in fact, i know that i wanted nothing more than for you to hold me at that moment.” you let out a bitter chuckle at that. ajax watches you, listening to every word carefully. he takes in your appearance as well, and the slightly swollen and redness of your eyes were obvious enough for him to know your state as of late.

“i never wanted to push you away. and god, i feel so stupid and guilty for everything that i said that day. because i know none of those were true. well, i guess minus the part where i listed my flaws... because i know those were true in some sense—but i want to—no, nevermind that. i’m trying to change my ways.” you corrected yourself.

“i asked dehya and the others for some advice. and they were right when they said that you had a positive impact on my life and that i’ve never been this happy with someone else other than them. because i swear, you’re just a different case for me, ajax. you make me happy in ways i never thought anyone could bring me joy. when i thought i didn’t have anyone by my side, you were there for me.”

“and i feel so, so, so fucking stupid for shutting you away that day. because deep inside, i knew my heart wanted otherwise. my brain wanted you to leave me alone, but i knew my heart wanted for you to stay. for you to tell me that everything is alright.”

“i guess the main gist of everything that i’m saying is that i love you; i’m sorry. i love you, ajax. and i know i’m probably late, and that you probably hate me right now, and also how you probably just forced yourself outside just so you could meet up with me, but i love you. this whole thing is honestly still scary to me, considering this is the first time i have experienced this in my whole lifespan of eighteen years right now.”

“yet i still love you despite that. i’m sorry that it took me a while. and again, you don’t have to reciprocate it—i just wanted to let this all out. and like i said, you probably hate me—”

“am i allowed to speak now?” ajax.

“i—yeah, go ahead.”

“have i told you that i’m so proud of you?” he asks. you don’t know where he’s going with this. “you might’ve mentioned it once or twice in the past, yeah.” he chuckles at your reply. it feels like your walking on thin ice because you really have no idea if he’s about to drop a bomb right now about him rejecting you.

you don’t think you could handle that anyway.

“thank you, (name). i personally didn’t know what to expect with what you were going to say. but i  don’t hate you. i could never hate you. not now, not ever. hell, i knew that if i said no to your request of having a talk i would definitely regret it. and i’m proud of you that you managed to say all of that. learning how to communicate is a big step already, you know?”

ajax takes a step closer and you didn’t take a step back this time. you let him get close to you this time, fixing the distance that grew after you pushed him away. “and for the record, i love you too” he says, a bit more quietly, as if he really wants only you to hear those words coming from him. “that fact isn’t going to change anytime soon, silly.” 

“i’m sorry again. but i’m ready now. i’m prepared to take a risk in this whole thing they call love. so please love me at my worst, ajax.”

the night ends with ajax walking you home once again—but this time there wasn’t a single residue of the bitterness from before.

this time, it was filled with relief.

extra notes.

yayyyy!!! communication!!!!

i didn't expect for this episode to be so long. i was 700+ words in when i realized that it was going to be a bit lengthy.

taglist (open): @xianyoon @mitsvriii @kizakiss @kissingkzuha @aethion @phtogravi @ell1e2010 @esthelily @b4tm4nn @hcmay @ivvieene @morganadorodo @kaitfae @kentply @scaranthropy @kyon-cherri @kookiibun @kochothehoe @mekiiiii @ibyobi @iuspired @tetsuskei @kunikuzushis-darling @morgyyyyyyy @chluuvr @scaradooche @kissmiere @a1-ic3 @bubblegum-angelquartz @tiredjxnna @levlucs-kiru @angeilix @cerisescherries @saeskiss @a-talkative-corn @briluvspnk @kamisatoyato @bbysatoruuu @viviixoxosblog @bambisz @chemiru @eternal-dokja @bflyprincess @jamieexistss @monocerosei @enjisthings @jangyung @hahalame @cupid-spams @snzhrchy @ukinya @luciledreamz @bisatanica @bananasquash @almond-t0fu @thegalaxyisunfolding @jaguarthecat [1/2]

[gibbearish]

does anyone know of a yknow. chill youtuber who's looking for a captioner

[cool-as-steel]

finished steadfast — as expected, the extremely compelling setup did not turn land on its feet as well as hoped, but I had fun anyways

[luveline]

Hey my lovely, could i equest a blurb where reader seeks one of spencer's hugs and he's all soft and mushy about it!! I just think he'd give really warm hugs and want one so bad!

shy!reader + post!prison Spencer have a hug

Spencer understands why you might find him intimidating. He did go to prison for a few weeks, and even if the idea of his being a potential felon didn’t scare you, there’s nothing wrong with being nervous around the unknown. You’ve had a few more weeks to get to know the others on the team. He tries not to take it personally that you’re closer with some of them than you are him. 

Plus, you’re awfully shy. 

Spencer’s been trying to communicate that he’s an idiot. He was shy, once, and he tends to be shy about things now, too, even if he’s taken to hiding that. He hides a lot, these days. 

But things aren’t hopeless with you. You’re inarguably his best work friend now that Morgan’s not around, taking the desk next to his —through coincidence or insistence, he has no idea. 

“What flavour do you have today?” he asks. 

You show him your bag. The convenience store outside of work has the strangest sweets from all sorts of places. You’ve been bringing in a different bag each day, and you always share. “Today is apricot and peach ‘millions’,” you tell him, shaking the bright pink bag like a rattle. 

Inside, the millions bounce against each other like miniscule polystyrene balls but with a heavier weight. 

“Awesome!” he says, holding out his hand. “Please?” 

You rip the corner and tip a generous helping of candies into his palm, doing the same in your own hand. “Ready?” you ask. 

“Three, two, one.” 

You both tip your heads back at the same time. Apricot and peach are similar flavours, and Spencer can’t tell the difference when they’re both in play. He can also taste apple juice and the sharp citric acid flavour they put in every candy. 

He can’t tell if you like them. He quite enjoys it, will happily eat the leftovers if you’re not interested, but your attention isn’t on the candy when he looks up. You’re staring straight at him. 

“What?” he asks, perturbed. 

“Nothing, just. Had a rough morning. Thanks for trying the candy with me.” 

He frowns. “I’m sorry. Let me know if there’s something I can do to make you feel better. I can make you a cup of hot chocolate?” 

“Don’t worry about it.” 

Spencer’s sure that to an outsider, he and the team appear to travel to a hundred cities a month. In reality, cases aren’t as densely packed, especially with the government expanding their profiling teams, and the majority of Spencer’s day is spent answering emails and giving advice to agents, law enforcement, and his colleagues. He doesn’t see much of you (where you’re forced to work ViCAP calibration as newbies usually are, almost like a hazing) but he does take you that hot chocolate around lunch time. Just to make sure you have the option. 

It’s sometime past four PM when you appear again. 

“Hey,” he says, turning to you where you’re paused behind your desk chair, “you're finally done?” 

“Not yet. So many case files to transcribe, opinions to cross check, signatures and…” You wince. “It’s a lot. You already know.” 

“I don’t, actually. I only ever had to do ViCAP as punishment, and I was extremely well-behaved. For a while, anyway.” 

You hesitate with something heavy on the tip of your tongue. You’re like every profiler wherein your tells are self-identified and quelled, but you’re still so new, and Spencer’s an expert. You want to ask him for something, but you don’t think you’re allowed. If he presses the issue you’ll shut down, and if he offers you another cup of hot chocolate you’ll simply drink it without letting him in on the real secret. 

Spencer waits. 

“Spencer, you don’t have to say yes, just… You’re the nicest friend I have, and you always know what I need to hear. Um, I know you don’t like touching people and I wouldn’t ask you to if you don’t want to, but it’s been a really long time since someone hugged me, and…” Your voice gets quieter and quieter, until you’re whispering, and then fizzling out. 

“You want a hug?” he asks, surprised. 

“If that’s okay.” 

“I give really good hugs,” he warns, climbing from his chair immediately, arms opened, an unmissable invitation. “You’ll never get over it.” 

“Really?” 

He can’t believe you came to him specifically for a hug. He’s gonna lose his mind. Gentle, Spencer ushers you into his arms, head quick to duck down, his thumb on your shoulder. 

You could’ve asked anybody in the office for a hug. Penelope would have hugged your brains out. Emily, Unit Chief and secret sweetheart, would’ve taken you off of ViCAP and given you a loving pat on the back. But you didn’t ask Penelope or Emily, you asked him. 

“You don’t have to ask me first,” he says quietly. 

“You don’t like touching.” 

“That’s more to do with germs, and I’m not worried about yours,” he says. “Unless you’re about to tell me you have a headache.” 

“It’s like this pounding behind my eyes,” you say with a laugh. 

Spencer smiles, his mouth and nose to the side of your head. He gives you a good ten seconds of quiet, his palm warming your shoulder, before he murmurs, “Any better?” 

“You’re really warm,” you murmur back. 

Spencer resists the urge to squeeze you. “It's the oxytocin.”

“Or you’re just really, really warm.”

[bumblekastclips]

Happy Throwing Him Thursday!

KYLE CROUSE: Next question is from @rabbithaver. “In 2018, you wrote IDW Sonic #14, which contained panels of Silver being thrown by the ankle by Metal Sonic. On May 19, 2022, tumblr user @catgirlkirigiri posted those panels with the caption, 'Happy Throwing Him Thursday.' Now, every Thursday, Sonic Tumblr celebrates by partaking in throwing Silver. Each week, participants render their followers' dashboards unusable by reblogging those panels dozens of times in a row. People have drawn fan art. There are multiple videos of people throwing their Silver plushies, including one of him being hurled off a five story balcony. In celebration of the two year anniversary of the first Throwing Him Thursday, would you both please rank Sonic characters based on how far you think you, personally, could throw them?” [TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: The balcony mentioned was seven stories, not five, which is much funnier.]

IAN FLYNN: [in exaggerated horror] Two years?! KYLE: [laughing] IAN: My poor boy has been yeeted for two years?! KYLE: He’s getting yeeted! He’s getting yeeted like crazy! IAN: I feel bad! KYLE: [laughs] IAN: I’m glad folks are enjoying themselves, but… what have I done to the poor boy? KYLE: [still laughing] Ah, well, I mean, the fandom got a— the fandom got attached to it. To be fair, you know. You did it once. [chuckles] IAN: And really, the credit should go to Tracy Yardley and the other artists for rendering it, but hm… KYLE: True, true. [chuckling] IAN: Half-tempted to sneak in a panel somewhere. [as Sonic] “Happy Thursday, Silver!” [as Silver, panicked as he’s being reminded of his trauma] “WHY?!” KYLE: [erupts into laughter, then as Silver] “What is this?!” [laughs] Man, if you made a reference to Throwing Him Thursday, I think the— I think there’s a lot of Tumblr people who would melt down. In a— you know, in a good way. IAN: [chuckling to himself] Shadow just puts him off a— puts him out a window. [as Shadow] “Huh, is it Thursday already?” KYLE: [laughing] Oh, man… IAN: Anyway, characters that we could throw on a Thursday — or any day, really. KYLE: Any day. I could throw— I could throw— I could take Charmy. [chuckles] IAN: Yeah, Charmy, Cheese… KYLE: But then I’d have to contend with not being able to throw Vector and Espio as they murder me. [laughs] IAN: [chuckles, then as Vector] “Nice arm there, Kyle! Wanna see how [unintelligible] it is?” KYLE: [laughs] Oh! IAN: And I imagine Cream, but only because she wants to, like, take off, so she’s already got her ears ready, and you’re like, out in an open field, and it’s like throwing a kite into the air or something. She’s having a grand time, just, “whee!” KYLE: Yeah, she can fly. [chuckles] IAN: Uh… how heavy is Tails, actually? KYLE: Eh, I don’t think Tails is very, uh, heavy, and he’d fly, so… you know IAN: I’m gonna look this up real quick. KYLE: You could throw Froggy a little bit— [stuttering unintelligibly] a little bit far. You know. IAN: [as Big] “Once.” KYLE: Once. [laughs] IAN: Huh! Actually Tails is like, over forty pounds! KYLE: Okay, he’s a… IAN: That’s not really a throw, that’s more of a heft. KYLE: He’s a beefy— he’s a beefy boy then, huh? Wow. [chuckles, then reading chat] I’m being told that Ray was born to be yeeted. [laughs] IAN: [chuckles] You know that’s what he and Mighty do all the time. KYLE: Of course! IAN: It’s kinda like— it’s like with Cream! KYLE: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. IAN: [as Mighty] “Ready, little guy?” [as Ray] “Ready!” Woosh! KYLE: Yeah, pretty much, exactly. IAN: How much does Orbot weigh? KYLE: He’s pretty small, but he’s also a robot, so who knows how dense he is? Uh… IAN: If he even has an official weight… [Googling] Uh, he is— holy crap, he’s over sixty pounds! KYLE: Yeah, I was gonna say, he’s probably real dense. He’s got a lot in him. [chuckles] IAN: [sigh] I could probably pick him up and hmph, but yeah, I ain’t throwin’ that. Goodness. KYLE: The irony is that you’d think Cubot would be the dense one! IAN: [chuckles] Well, now I’m curious, if Orbot is sixty-six point one pounds… KYLE: He would be one really heavy bowling ball, at least. [laughs] IAN: Self-steering, no less. KYLE: Yeah! IAN: [Googling] Oh, wow. Cubot’s, uh, almost eighty-six pounds. KYLE: Oh! He’s dense— he’s even more dense! IAN: He’s a hefty boy! KYLE: [laughs] IAN: So, yeah.

KYLE: Nice. [chuckles] Yes. Ah, yes. [reading chat] Cubot, the honorable— or, Orbot, the honorable Whipple. IAN: [snickers] KYLE: Welcome to the Whipple family. [chuckling] I don’t know if we could really throw any of them? I mean, sure, a giant mech could throw Jewel, as we’ve established previously, but I don’t know if I could. She’s pretty— she’s pretty big for a bug. IAN: Yeah, I… she might need to be hefted, not really thrown. KYLE: Yeah, yeah. You could throw a chao. IAN: Yeah. KYLE: You can throw Marine, maybe. IAN: Well, now I’m curious, uh… Charmy’s like twenty-two pounds. KYLE: Why is he so freakin’ huge? He’s a bee! [laughs] IAN: And I would imagine Jewel’s at least that weight, so… KYLE: Y-yeah…? [stuttering] How heavy are pounds on Sonic’s world?! IAN: [laughs] I mean, you could still maybe throw Charmy, but you’d have to put your back into it. You’d have to, like, limber up first. KYLE: Yeah! IAN: And just because we brought it up, you know, the idea is Cream’s just kinda using this as an excuse to be thrown, but— [Googling] she’s twenty-six pounds. She’s barely heavier than Charmy. What in the world? KYLE: [chuckling] What? What?! IAN: But yeah, I could definitely pick her up over my head and kinda, fwoop, and then she’d flap and she’d fly, and she’d have a fun time. KYLE: Yeah, yeah… yeah, yeah, I think they’re all a bit too heavy. It’s that— it’s that dang Beach Ball Head Syndrome they got going on. [chuckles] Those giant heads, you know?

EPISODE THUMBNAIL by @kiimeranova (lines) and @nintendoni-art (colors)! Exclusive Throwing Him Thursday Variant HERE!

—— TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE: Please remember that nothing that is said on BumbleKast is canon! It’s just some guys and their opinions occasionally spitballing ideas. If you don’t like an answer, you don’t have to take it as Word of God or anything like that. It’s all just for fun!

[breakerwhiskey]

FROM RED (Listener Message)

Please visit breakerwhiskey.com for more information or to send a message to Whiskey's radio. Breaker Whiskey is an Atypical Artists production created by Lauren Shippen. If you'd like to support the show, please visit atypicalartists.co/support.

If you'd like to send Whiskey a message, click here.

Transcript under the cut. For more episodes, click here.

Hello Whiskey. Ohh, that feels weird. Like… sending a message to your best friend but… also to a celebrity that has no idea you exist. I must sound a little crazy. And maybe I am. You’d probably go a little crazy down here, too.

Anyway, I don’t think I’ve actually gone crazy, pretty sure I read somewhere that if you’re still able to think about whether or not you are, then you aren’t. I think therefore I am not crazy? I don’t know. I don’t think any of my transmissions are getting through, anyway. Or maybe they are and you’re just… ignoring them. That… that hurts more, I think. Knowing that someone else is out there and they don’t want to talk to you. Or maybe they’re getting trapped somewhere between here and the surface. I don’t think it’s because they sound crazy or anything – I listened back to them to be sure. That was weird, hearing my own voice. The sound was… foreign. A stranger.

I know your voice better than my own, now. I could pick it out of thousands of radio signals. Couldn’t even recognize my own played back to me. But then it’s not like I’ve had much to say these past… seven years? I think it’s been seven. I stopped counting the days a while ago. Just got… depressing. All those… plain white concrete walls covered in tally marks.

(Cheering) But now my walls look beautiful. I’ve been transcribing everything you’ve said – I have tapes of every broadcast, and I’ve written down every word. Pasted them up on my walls. And I haven’t used my paints in years – even… even before all of this, but… they needed a little colour.

I started by making my own notes in red, and then your locations in green, for the landscape, and Birdie’s messages in blue. Like a bluebird. And all the people you talked about - Don’s rust, Richie’s yellow, Pete’s green – not like the landscape, but like… money. Like the colour that I remember money being, at least. And Harry was… well. I had decided her colour back when I thought she had hurt you – and she had, of course, but I mean… back when I thought she did it for the sake of it.

So I gave her this… yellow-orange colour. And knowing what I know now, I feel… a little bad about that. I wish I’d given her a prettier one. But maybe she would like it. It’s not terrible. Sort of a… sunny orange. Like the colour that I remember the sun being, at least. Anyway, every… every rainbow needs some sun, right? And their names… they make a rainbow.

(Tearing up) You brought that rainbow back into my life, Whiskey. Seven years of white walls, and now there’s colour. Seven years of silence, and you bring back sound. Seven years of isolation and desolation and hopelessness… and you bring back… me.

You mentioned liking Rothko, back on… (checks) transmission 179. I mean, I’m no Rothko, obviously, but… I suppose he won’t mind if I take a little inspiration from him

So Whiskey… you can call me ‘Red’.

[lapsusophobia]

you have beaten my heart

Status: scrapped/unfinished

TW: none

Pair(s): Erikstine

Note: well, my plans including working on the next chapter for my Heart Phic are post-poned ‘till I find sometime to breath without having academic work slowly driving me to insanity. anyways, this was done back in February (I know, long time) for an English Assignment but I decided to transcribe it into my Google Docs as well. it’s a short POTO Modern AU (with 1990 Miniseries Erik and Christine) in which Erik is Christine’s canto teacher. enjoy xx

“I’m tired.” Christine finally broke the silence which started to press on her shoulders as if she was carrying the weight of the world on her poor spine. Her response was weak, however, resembling a murmur, a shy whisper, a person on the verge of tears rather than the strong, confident and beautiful woman she was. Her voice, though, had lost its courage, and was now merely helping her. Her jade green eyes were stormy, gray of weariness, and she began to feel her eyelids heavy like a pair of iron cuffs, keeping them open seemed suddenly a work too though.

She gulped a sip of tea, still hot enough to burn her tongue, but didn’t seem to mind that much. The warm, sweet aroma of lavender compensated for the little sting she got on the tip of her tongue, and the honey did help her slightly sore throat. Her golden beige curls couldn’t be tamed anymore by the elastic nor the hair pins which kept it still for the whole day. They were now falling freely on her shoulders like an aureade cascade, her hair accessories resting on the little coffee table next to the tea tray. She kept her gaze fixed on the graphite coloured wooden floor, too foolish to face her Maestro.

“Christine.” Erik interrupted her, yet not in a harsh manner. He spoke softly, gently, with an envying calm in his voice. “I don’t want you to feel like you are being forced to tell me what’s gnawing you so bad. You don’t have to do it if you feel like I might not be worth your trust. But if you wish, if you consider me worthy of helping you lift this heavy rock off your chest, please, look me in the eyes. We are no Maestro and student now. I am just a man, and you are just a woman. I won’t judge you for whatever may not let you sleep at night. Do you trust me, Christine Daaé?”

And the problem was that she did, she did trust him. Trusted him so heavily that she would let her heart in his hands to take care of it. In fact, she already had. She let her voice in his care, to modelate it, to train her to perfection. She let him help her sew herself a pair of golden wings for her to stretch open one day and fly, fly high to the sky. If there was any other glass in this world other than hers in which Christine would pour her soul into like a fine wine, it would be Erik’s cup. For she knew that he wouldn’t spill a single drop of her essence and nor take advantage of it.

And she would have trusted him with other things as well.

[warrenkoles]

Table Manners S14 Ep 34: Rita Ora Transcript

Hi all, I have decided to transcribe the entire Rita Ora episode of Table Manners podcast. Well, my friend was sad because there wasn't a transcript and so she would have too difficult a time trying to follow/process everything without one, and I thought "hey, I type fast, I could do that!" (This was hubris, of course, especially considering that I am an American and not at all fluent in Londonese, clearly.)

I figured there would also be some interest in it from the Taika fans who are not the biggest Rita fans. The hosts do ask about him and thus she talks about him quite a bit!

Since I had to Google things for spelling a lot anyways I ended up linking to the brands and stuff mentioned because why not. I am just extra like that.

If there is anything incorrect please let me know so I can correct it. :)

Quick edit for cws: heavy discussion about food, and a few references to fasting that could be triggering for those with eating disorders.

Plucky music is in the background

Jessie: Hello and welcome to Table Manners. I’m here in mum’s kitchen, it’s, uh, pretty miserable and cold morning

Lennie: It’s not as bad as it has been darling

Jessie: No

Lennie: It’s not raining which is a miracle

Jessie: That’s true

Lennie: Yeah

Jessie: Um, we’re recording this and it’s half 10 and I have been in Dorset and I’ve had

Lennie: Your face is looking very rested, you don’t look tired

Jessie: Oh I thought you were going to say something else

Lennie: No, rested

Jessie: I had a good facial yesterday

Lennie: Okay, but you had good sleep probably

Jessie: Um, dunno about that

Lennie: I think

Jessie: How do you tell your in-laws – they don’t listen to this so it’s fine – how do you tell your darling in-laws who you love that you don’t want to sleep on a futon anymore? It is so painful

Lennie: Buy a mattress

Jessie: Do you think I could just buy a mattress? Because me and Sam get into that bed and we’re like

Lennie: I’ve got a spare mattress upstairs you can take

Jessie: It’s like torture. Okay fine. Um but I’ve eaten well in Dorset, um, shout out to the Anchor in Sea Town in Bridgeport. It was such a good lunch. I’ve been going there for years and then I saw that Thomasin Mars(?) had gone like maybe a couple of summers ago and the food is just unbelievable.

Jessie: That’s the place to be apparently

Lennie: Well that must be the reason that accommodation in Bridport is so expensive. Everyone’s going there for the food and putting the cost up. Jessie – 400 quid for two nights in July

Lennie: Crikey (inaudible)

Jessie: It’s the Notting Hill on sea, that’s what someone told me

Lennie: Okay

Jessie: Speaking of Notting Hill, our next guest

Lennie: Yeah

Jessie: Is from Ladbroke Grove

Lennie: Oh yeah

Jessie: She is a super star

Lennie: Yup

Jessie: She does everything

Lennie: Yup

Jessie: From fashion design to drinks to hair products to, most importantly, singing, and, um, we’ve got her on here

Lennie: She got her wellies ready

Jessie: I don’t know how long we’ve got with her because this girl works like a horse

Lennie: Yeah

Jessie: Is that what you say?

Lennie: A dog. Works like a dog, darling

Jessie: (laughs) Works like a dog

Lennie: Yeah

Jessie: Um, and, it’s Rita Ora. She’s coming on the podcast. She’s wanted to come on this for ages. I remember when we spoke to each other years ago and she was like “Can I come on? Can I bring my mum?” And I was like “yeah, sure”. I don’t think she’s bringing her gorgeous mum

Lennie: Is she- is she- is she bringing her gorgeous husband?

Jessie: Oh stop Mum, you need to hold it down when you meet her

Lennie: Okay, okay

Jessie: We’re recording this 2, 3 days before we’re both about to perform at Mighty Hoopla in Brockwell Park on Sunday, so, um

Lennie: Are you welly ready?

Jessie: *sighs* Lennie…I’m not wearing wellies

Lennie: I bloody well am, I’ve ordered mine from Asda-

Jessie: Oh what, cause you’re going to be going on-

Lennie: -leopard print-

Jessie: Shut up!

Lennie: Little short leopard print wellies

Jessie: Oh my god. Little short ones

Lennie: Yeah. Galoshes

Jessie: What are you wearing on top, Lennie?

Lennie: Black all in one with a white jacket

Jessie: Oo, will you get on stage with me?

Lennie: Maybe

Jessie: What’s on the menu?

Lennie: Well, it’s very early in the morning, so, we can fit in with her, and so it’s picky bits as you would call them

Jessie: Oh you know what? Shout out to Jane McDonald who has a Radio 2 show now-

Lennie: -Called picky bits

Jessie: -Called picky tea. (Lennie: Picky tea) She asks everybody what they like for their picky tea. It’s brilliant

Lennie: Okay, so I’ve got picky bits breakfast. I’ve done a chopped salad with those lovely little baby cucumbers (Jessie: Gorgeous) that taste so nice. I’ve got some feta (Jessie: Mhm), some prosciutto, (Jessie: Yeah) and I��ve done some avocado, cut up so I really cut things up today. That’s it but I’ve put them on nice plates and you’re doing jammy eggs.

Jessie: Yes. I am. But I have just done them and they have not peeled how I like them to peel. And I don’t know what it is-

Lennie: I think impatience.

Jessie: no, I- I think there’s a science because I don’t know whether they- they came straight from the fridge.

Lennie: Okay

Jessie: I did the popping of the membrane and all that shit so if you want to write to hello@tablemannerspodcast.com you can let me know.

Lennie: When you were away, I made dippy eggs for your children but because I got distracted they weren’t very dippy and your son-

Jessie: -lost his shit

Lennie: Yeah

Jessie: (sighs) Joffrey….

Lennie: Yeah

Jessie: Rita Ora coming up on table manners….

Plucky music ends

Jessie: Rita Ora is already gassing and yacking with me-

Rita: HI!

Jessie: It’s so nice to see you!

Rita: Wait, do we need to wait for your mum or….

Jessie: Mum’s just gonna come (Lennie in the background saying something, indistinct) – yeah you’re right, you’re polite, you’re a good-

Lennie, from a distance: Jessie would just get on with it

Rita: Jessie’s just like “Oh it’s alright, she can join in halfway through”

Jessie: I’m aware – I’m aware that you have like a 14 hour day today-

Rita: Oh you’re so cute

Jessie: -which is kind of usual for you

Rita: I’m alright though to be honest, ‘cause I’m sort of used to it

Jessie: Did you sleep yesterday?

Rita: I couldn’t sleep.

Jessie: Oh babes!

Rita: You know when you’ve got so much going on you can’t actually like rest your head?

Jessie: And is it, is it because you’ve got the song coming out tomorrow?

Rita: Yeah! Yeah

Jessie: Which is very good (Rita: Aww) and we shall talk about it in a minute when Mum has joined us.

Rita: I think Mum’s mak-starting a, um, uh-

Lennie: Let me just get a coffee.

Rita: -a brasserie going on over there.

Jessie: We’re doing – yeah, she’s-

Rita: Want me to help you?

Lennie: No, nothing darling

Rita: Are you sure?

Lennie: Yeah

Rita: Because I’m pretty good at helping

Lennie: I’m sure you are!

Rita: Well I’d like to think I am (laughs)

Jessie: Is your bedroom tidy, Rita, at your mum’s house? If I can ask that.

Rita: It’s like an organized mess.

Jessie: Okay, got it.

Rita: You know, it’s like she doesn’t really go into our o- Oh you’ve got a cat!

Jessie: This is Prince

Rita: Prince! Hiiii! We have a Bengal.

Jessie: You’re mad.

Rita: I know, they’re mad. But he’s like 79. I don’t think he’s ever going to die. Poor, poor Bruno - his name’s Bruno.

Jessie: Bruno’s such a good name.

Rita: Hi Prince!

Jessie: Are you an animal person, Rita Ora?

Rita: Yeah, I love animals. It’s ‘cause I can’t have any but they calm me thee fuck down. They’re so calming. Don’t you think?

Jessie: Couldn’t you have like a companion dog that you wal- go on the aeroplanes with?

Rita: No…it’s too much work

Lennie: Oh yeah, what do they call them?

Jessie: Companion…an emotional support do-

Rita: Do you let your cat on the table?

Lennie: Don’t let him on the table, don’t let him on the chairs, she doesn’t talk to him anywhere.

Rita: You don’t talk to your cat?

Lennie: She’s talked to him, but he’s got too needy.

Rita: I mean, I don’t know, I’ve never grown up with animals really. So when I gave my cat to my parents because, obviously I’ve done a lot of sort of adopting and not being able to look after them because it’s just, our schedule as musicians, you know, you’re never in one place really, so…I give my pets away.

Lennie: Where do you live actually, Rita?

Rita: Half in New Zealand now, which is so-

Lennie: With the gorgeous Taika

Jessie: Yeahhhh

Rita: Aww Taika I wanted him to do this with me

Jessie: She knows-

Lennie: I am a huge fan

Rita: Are you??

Lennie: I saw him at-

Jessie: Yeah but she’s- it’s a little Kathy Bates, Misery, so just watch it

Lennie: Yeah, a little Kathy bates, sure

Rita: Well that’s nice!

Lennie: He did letters live

Rita: Oh yeah, he did do that

Lennie: And he was fantastic and made me laugh so much.

Jessie: You-

Lennie: I was very jealous when you married him.

Jessie or Rita: (laughs)

Lennie: I just want to put that out there because I think he’s so-

Jessie: (laughing) Because she thought she had a chance

Lennie: Interesting! No, I didn’t-

Jessie: Sorry!

Lennie: I didn’t think I had a chance, but I was jealous that you got him because-

Rita: Thank you

Lennie: He’s so wonderful

Jessie: Oh we’re really happy for her and thrilled

Lennie: I was happy, well I wasn’t that happy.

Rita: Do you know, you’re not the only person that’s said that?

Lennie: He’s fabulous.

Rita: Do you know what’s funny? A lot of people have called me and been like “I’m very jealous of you and your husband”

Lennie: Yeah!

Rita: Well, I think it’s just because, like, you see, it’s kind of what he’s like is what he’s like, like he really makes me laugh and he’s just so amazing.

Lennie: Do you just laugh all of the time?

Rita: All the time. It’s just really nice to be able to just be with someone that you know makes you feel like it’s not a job and it feels sort of like an existence? Rather then, uh, not that all my past relationships felt like jobs but it just felt like I was responsible to do things in the relationship. It was almost like “do you wanna go and have like dinner?” just like making an effort that you – I feel like relationships, you just don’t have to think really about them. They should just happen and this one just really happens. It’s really nice, it’s just natural. It’s great.

Lennie: Is he coming to Mighty Hoopla?

Rita: Yes!

Lennie: Yessss-

Jessie: Oh god keep him away-

Rita: Are you coming? Okay!

Jessie: Keep him away – Mum, mum – No – Rita -

Lennie: I’ve got – I’ve got leopard print welly boots for that.

Rita: What, for Taika or for the-

(Laughter)

Lennie: Not Taika!

Jessie: For the gays or Taika? I don’t know.

Rita: I’ll have to give him, uh-

Lennie: For the mud!

Rita: I’ll give him an update (Jessie: A warning) and I’ll let him know that you’re around… He’s gonna love it. Are you kidding? He loves attention. (laughs) He’s a Leo.

Jessie: Back to you-

Rita: Yes.

Jessie: So, growing up (Rita: Yeah) who was around the dinner table and what were you eating?

Rita: Oh, everything. I mean, first of all, our delicacy in Albania and how we sort of like function is very heavy. It’s like pastries and cheeses and um… It’s definitely more kind of like pies and sour-y, less sweet stuff, um… So there was always food on the table even just snacks whether it was like bowls of nuts or, just something is always there to just be eaten which is amazing

Lennie: So wait, you were born in Kosovo-

Rita: I was born in Kosovo and I moved to London in 1990 and we lived in West London our whole lives. I – I think before we found our real family home which was West London like Ladbroke Grove we kind of stayed around Ellschool area and then we found a really amazing house in Ladbroke Grove and that’s sort of where I grew up in West London, yeah.

Jessie: Were there a lot of Kosovans that you were friends with there? Or was it that you kind of moved over with your family and you didn’t know- you were starting again?

Rita: I love – first of all, before I answer this question, I love this show so much.

Lennie: Do you? Why?

Rita: I always – and I think I told you this –

Jessie: You’ve been asking to do it for a while.

Rita: I have.

Jessie: And we’ve wanted you!

Rita: And I was like, can I really just hang out with you and your mum because I just love the idea of chatting around people and eating and relaxing and me and my mum are like exactly the same.

Lennie: Do you argue with your mum?

Rita: Yeah, but just like light arguing.

Lennie: But you love each other.

Rita: It’s never like borderline (Lennie: No) abusive or aggressive or-

Jessie: Its passionate, you get it out, and then it’s done.

Lennie: And then you eat.

Rita: And then you act like nothing’s happened, yeah, and then you eat and it’s like “Dinner’s ready!” and you’re like, okay, and it just kind of-

Lennie: Are you a loud family? We’re pretty loud, aren’t we?

Jessie: Yes. We’re loud.

Lennie: When Jessie brought her husband into the family, he thought we were arguing all the time. And your daughter thinks we argue, just when we’re debating.

Rita: Really?

Jessie: Yeah, she puts her hands over her ears, when it’s just, we’re talking loudly.

Rita: Awww. It’s heated, it’s a heated debate.

Jessie: Yeah. We’re the same.

Rita: We’re just passionate people, I think, from the Balkans, Eastern Europeans we just, I think, communicate differently. We’re just very sort of like, direct.

Jessie: So what was a memorable dish that your mum or your dad made?

Rita: Well we had pite (https://www.myalbanianfood.com/recipe/albanian-spinach-pie-spinaq-pite/) which is basically like a spinach pie, it’s like seven – I actually wanted to bring some, but my mum had it for breakfast, and it was the one piece left and I was like “I can’t believe you – I told you I was doing this and I wanted to bring some food and-“ anyway. But-  

Lennie: It’s a bit like spanakopita.

Rita: It’s a bit like baklava but like-

Lennie: But with spinach in.

Rita: With spinach, and like cheese, and goat’s cheese, so it’s like a spinach pie. It’s just my favorite dish.

Jessie: Is that – Didn’t you make a dish on Louis Theroux (https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001fr4r), were you making something-?

Rita: That’s what it was!

Jessie: It was that!

Rita: Yeah!

Jessie: Yes!

Rita: That’s a famous sort of dish, I personally love like stuffed peppers with minced meat and rice, and that’s a big one for our family, you just stuff the peppers with a lot of mince meat and if you don’t want rice –

Jessie: And what’s the seasoning?

Rita: Everything I see in the drawer, I put on the, spices, like everything, everything, every pepper, every – I mean, I can’t tell you, I don’t really have rules, I feel like for me, the more the merrier.

Jessie: Yeah, I feel like, Rita, you’ve never had rules, to be fair, so-

Rita: (cutely) I know

Jessie: So it kind of works like that in the kitchen too.

Rita: I think for me I just like, you know. Flavor’s flavor. I like a lot of flavor.

Lennie: You sounded New Zealand then.

Jessie: (mock NZ accent) “flavah’s flavah”

Rita: Oh no…

Jessie: How is that? Are you, kind of, because I hear-

Rita: A lot of people are telling me that!

Jessie: No but I think, it apparently means that you’re an empathetic person.

Rita: You’ve gotta stop me, because I really don’t want to have- I mean, I love them to death but I like my accent.

Jessie: No! But I can imagine, you- you’re married to- you know, you hear that, and – no, it was only a little tinge of it.

Rita: I know, well thank you.

Jessie: A little flavah of it.

Rita: Every time I do it, please catch me out

Jessie: “please catch me out”

Rita: Oh my god! Really, is it bad? Oh no! Okay.

Jessie: But I don’t-

Lennie: Naur!

Rita: No!

(Laughter)

Jessie: I love it, I think that-

Rita: I’m just around them all the time now, like it’s half of my family, and his kids go to school in New Zealand and so, yeah. We’re always there a lot.

Lennie: Where do you live, is it Auckland?

Rita: Auckland, we have a place literally on the water, it’s really nice.

(dreamy sigh, I think from Jessie)

Lennie: Yeah

Rita: Auckland is beautiful, I feel like New Zealand is, obviously, so far (Lennie: It is, Jessie says something indistinct) but if you make an effort to get there-

Lennie: It’s gorgeous.

Jessie: It’s stunning.

Rita: It’s a game changer.

Lennie: Have you been Jess?

Jessie: I’ve been over ten years ago when I did a festival called Laneway (https://www.lanewayfestival.com/) (Rita: Yeah) and I was there for a very short time but I adored it. (Rita: Isn’t it?) I adored the people and I mean, I like Australia too and I like that side of the- (Rita: Mmhmm) I like it.

Rita: I love it.

Lennie: You’re very popular there.

Rita: Yeah, I mean, I’ve done The Voice there obviously for a few years so I’ve been there like a big, big chunk out of my year. I haven’t done it now- I mean, I didn’t do it last year, but it’s, it’s, it’s like a home away from home for me, I really like Australia and obviously that’s where I met my husband and a lot of things just-

Lennie: You met him there?

Rita: Yes

Lennie: Where?

Rita: It was in Sydney. I was doing The Voice and he was filming Thor, uh, Ragnarok and it just, yeah, it’s just where we kind of clicked.

Jessie: Did you get set up?

Rita: I wouldn’t say set up, but we definitely met through a friend, innocently. Like, he was doing a barbecue, my husband loves to just cook, he loves to make – he’s a meaty person, so he just puts all the meat and it’s just meats and salads and things like that, he’s incredible at steak and things, and so he had a barbecue. And a friend of ours, uh, kind of, we had a mutual, was like “Hey my friend’s having a barbecue do you want to come with me?” and I was like “okay, if he’s okay with it, it’s at his house, personal house, blah blah blah” We get there and that’s where we met. And we became friends, and-

Lennie: Did you fancy him straight away?

Rita: No…Well I fancied him, but I just didn’t think it was a thing where he fancied me because I thought I was just too crazy for him, too much for him – I don’t know, the film world, I think, is just different to the music world of – pop stars and musicians, I think, are just more wild and I thought…but then I got to know him and he’s just more wild than anyone I’ve ever met. (laughs)

Jessie: I need to know…does he have a gas barbecue or does he do, you know, charcoal?

Rita: Charcoal. Always. He loves the real smokey feeling and the flavor and the smell – he prefers charcoal but if there’s gas he’ll make it work.

Jessie: Because I thought, down under, everyone had a gas one because they were barbecuing all the time and therefore they were like, well, we’ll just do, but- no, you do the whole effort thing.

Rita: But if you go down down under, when you go even further-

Jessie: Oh you go down down under, okay

Rita: -to New Zealand, I think there’s a real difference. Their cultures are actually really different. So you know the Maori culture, which is where Taika’s from, they actually make like an oven like in the ground. Um, I don’t want to explain it wrong, but it’s very much like natural, you know, you put the fire, the coal and everything and you actually – It’s called a – I think it’s called a boil up. (Jessie: Okay…) It’s- it’s delicious. I mean, the first time I had it, but I mean, you throw meat in there, vegetables in there. It’s actually just like a huge stew, I think is kind of how you explain it? But it’s just – smokey, everything’s smokey, the vegetables, the meat, everything, and you leave it under the ground for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and now it’s delicious.

Jessie: It sounds it, it sounds amazing

Lennie: He’s also a little bit Jewish, isn’t he?

Rita: A little bit (laughs) He is.

Jessie: Oh my god, no, see this is what I’m talking about, Kathy Bates

Lennie: He is

Rita: Yes he is

Lennie: Is it his father or his mother?

Jessie: I love Kathy

(Laughter)

Rita: It’s his mother.

Lennie: His mum’s jewish?

Rita: Yes

Jessie: Oh so he’s- (adopts a stereotypical American Jewish woman accent) He’s a Jew!

Lennie: (also trying to do the accent) He’s a proper Jew!

Rita: Oh you do like him! (Lennie: Yes, I do) Yes, yes, he’s half Jewish and half Maori.

Jessie: Enough about fucking Taika, mum, it’s –

Lennie: Okay, sorry-

Rita: Awwww

Lennie: I was wondering if he cooked Jewish food for her!

Rita: No, but, um, I do understand that being from a mixed culture, it’s interesting, because when I moved here from Kosovo, you know, coming into the UK it was just amazing because it’s such a mixing pot, so on Portobello Market which is kind of where I hung out all the time, the stores are just all over the world, you’ve got German, you’ve got Chinese, I mean it’s amazing, just kind of having-

Lennie: Did the Germans stool there? Sorry, do you know what I’m talking about?

Jessie: The German stool is so good, the bratwurst! Yes!

Lennie: I know, the bratwurst, oh yeah.

Jessie: On a Saturday, so good!

Rita: The sausages are to die for, aren’t they?

Jessie: So good!

Rita: I know!

Lennie: But there’s that, that place further up-

Rita: Speaking of food, are we gonna eat because now I’m starving!

Lennie: Yeah

Rita: Okay

Jessie: Yes! Yes, fabulous. Now we’ve got, kind of, we kind of got a few instructions that, quite healthy-

Rita: Oh good. Oh my gosh

Jessie: high protein-

Rita: Just to let you all know, I’m not like the crazy stricty person, but I do like a bit of a healthy-

Jessie: I appreciate that

Rita: Awwwww

Jessie: We’ve got, we’ve got gravlax-

Rita: You guys!

Jessie: We have some prosciutto- oh what is it, is it prosciutto, I don’t know (Lennie: ham and prosciutto) we’ve got some jammy eggs, we’re actually a real (Rita: Yummmmm) market appeal, basically (Rita: Awwwwwww) and then some salad

Rita: So who makes the food? Because I’ve always wanted to ask.

Lennie: Well if we want to be something more exotic (Jessie: Yeah) I probably would but it’s breakfast time so…

Rita: Oh my goodness, can I, this is- I also wanted to see how real this all was, and it really is!

Lennie: Yeah it’s real, yeah it’s real

Rita: You guys really just do the thing.

Jessie: -bits and bobs so it’s very much up to you

Rita: Thank you!

Lennie: - what you take- so you’ve got bits and bobs but I think it will give you sustenance.

Rita: This is a bit like an Albanian breakfast!

Jessie: Is it? Picky? Picky bits?

Rita: yeah! But do you know what my mum would add to this dish?

Lennie: What?

Rita: “Prženice” (https://thebalkanhostess.com/przenice/) which is basically like French toast. (Lennie: Oooo) but it’s, but it’s not like with the sweetness of it, it’s just the eggyness of it.

Jessie: I love an eggy bread.

Rita: I know, there’s nothing like it, is there?

Jessie: Have you ever tried cook- doing an eggy bread with challah bread? You know, the kind of knotted Jewish bread.

Rita: Oh yeah

Jessie: It’s very nice.

Rita: and then we have this thing called “ajvar” (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ajvar) which is like almost like a spiced spread-

Jessie: Oh, that’s so nice

Rita: It’s like a red spice, yeah. It’s delicious. It’s just this is what we would actually just do for breakfast.

Jessie: Well just help yourself, salt and pepper, help yourself, take what you want

Rita: How excit- (overexaggerating NZ accent) How exciting! How exciting, mate!

(laughter)

Jessie: Um so okay. We’re going to talk about the single.

Rita: Oh yay!

Jessie: I got – we got to listen to it last night-

Rita: Did you?

Lennie: It’s gorgeous!

Jessie: It’s really gorgeous

Rita: Aww thank you!

Jessie: It’s very … I mean like we all know that you got married and you’re very happy and in love, but I really feel like that song celebrates- I mean yeah, I presume it’s about your husband.

Rita, slightly muffled: yeah!

(Laughter)

Jessie: Or this….you like….

Rita: You know…(laugh) I did my last album really inspired by my relationship and with this record, I want to get out of the idea of always being inspired by it (Jessie: Yup) because it’s a bit annoying, you know (Jessie: Yup!) I wanted to try and find a bit of inspiration that sometimes isn’t that deep.

Jessie: Babe, I hear ya. And I can relate for everybody, not just maybe (Rita: yeah) your situation.

Rita: And I think obviously for me as a music fan I like it being like “well this came from this moment where I did this and I did that” but sometimes…

(Dishes rattling in the background, background mumbling that’s indistinct)

Jessie: Yes please (Rita: what oil?) and some lemon actually, I’m going to get some lemon

Rita: Oh yes, come on, let’s- can I take some of this salad?

Jessie: Babe, help yourself

Rita: Uh, YUM!

Jessie: Um, is there - Is there lemon around?

Lennie: Yeah, in the fridge.

Rita: Guys, can I just say that the fasting thing is hell on earth.

Jessie: Well how long have you been doing that?

Rita: It’s really hard and anyone’s that like “oh it’s so easy” I just think that you never get over the feeling of hunger (laughs)

Jessie: Can I just say: suck it up, Rita, suck it up!

Rita: I am, I mean it’s been pretty good, like, for sleep though

Jessie: Has it? Are you a bad sleeper?

Rita: Mmm.

Jessie: But babe, I think that’s prob-tentially because you’re-like-what body-what time zone are you in now?

Rita: I have so much to do… (sighs) I feel like I have so much to do but it’s the same with you, and you’re a mum (Jessie: No, no) and I’m not even a mum!

Jessie: Babe, you- I, I think that I work too hard and then I see your bloody Instagram and I think “Jesus Christ” (Rita: yeah) “that girl doesn’t stop”

Rita: But you know what’s crazy-

Jessie: And respect, that’s how you are, you’ve always been like this, (Rita: Oh yeah, thank you) you’ve always been a grafter.

Rita: I have, yeah. I mean I was just having that conversation the other day. I just don’t know if I- how to do it any other way, to be honest.

Jessie: So the single’s coming out-

Rita: So the single, it’s called Ask and You Shall Ritaeceive (Jessie: yes), which, honestly? It’s not –

Jessie: Oo, you’ve gone born again, babe.

Rita: Yes. I literally wanted to feel like it’s not that deep. I wanted a really happy, fun summer anthem that everyone, if you think about my music over this sort of decade, it’s always been for me about uplifting (Jessie: yeah) people and having that ability (Jessie: mhmm) to just like feel good (Jessie: yeah) and I think anyone that’s been to my shows knows that, you know, you’re there to have a party, really, and, um, I-I love doing that. I love making people feel good, making people dance and Ask and You Shall Receive felt like the right thing at the right time. It was, you know, written by RAYE who I love dearly and that whole story of her’s and everything that she’s kind of, like, done is so inspiring and it feels so, so relevant for us now in the music industry to be able to just like prove that, you know, you can do things in such different formats nowadays. And, um, it just is like a 360 because I, I, you know, she supported me on tour, you know, I used to always ask her to come and pop out on my shows actually, like for Radio 1 Big Weekend and things, and you know she was kind of still trying to be an artist at that point. (Jessie: yeah) And I was like “you need to come out on stage with me” and she just was really kind of like grateful and there and happy. And so it was like a 360 moment. And so all of those little things really, really connected to me. And…yeah, it just happened and it came and it felt great. It feels really, really happy and-and-and organic and the visuals I think I’m-I’m feeding you guys a bit more of kind of darkness, a bit more not so perfect because it’s kind of leading into the new world and the new era. (music begins to play and swell as she speaks)

Ad break

Jessie: How is it, going into that entrepreneurial world? I mean obviously you’ve got Prospero tequila – is it Prospero? (Lennie in background: yeah) (https://www.prosperotequila.com/)

Rita: I thought it was a bit early to bring that-

Jessie: Babes-

Lennie: Not for- never too fucking early for Jessie  

(laughter)

Jessie: Excuse me? Not for Jessie?

Lennie: Do I drink tequila? No.

Jessie: You would-

Rita: Do you drink-

Lennie: No.

Jessie: -if it was here

Rita: -alcohol?

Jessie: Does she- fuck (?) – is

Lennie: Only wine (Jessie: yeah) – only wine

Rita: Oh that’s- If I remember from watching you do love a good glass of wine.

Jessie: Yes!

Lennie: Gorgeous, yes.

(laughter)

Jessie: So you know you’ve been doing business for a while. You did tequila (Rita: yeah), you are, you’re doing hair. Are you going to expand it into more beauty because it would make sense that you would do an eyebrow serum, (Rita: I think) an eyelash serum and then it goes into cosmetics.

Rita: I’ve had offers.

Jessie: And?

Rita: Like Ora Beauty [T/N: too many to tell which one] which kinda makes sense because Ora and everything, and. It’s just, I think, for me about the right time, you know, the right partners, the right product, I don’t want to rush anything, um. I’m just still in such a great headspace of putting out music and keeping that as the focus right now.

Jessie: Yes

Rita: I think that’s just, like, my priority. I did a lot of TV last year and I wanted to really just come back to where it all started and hone in my roots and put out some songs for the summer.

Lennie: Are you going to do The Voice here again?

Rita: No. No-no-no.

Lennie: No?

Jessie: But you do The Masked Singer

Rita: Um, I have done it now (Lennie: oh..), what, for a few years

Jessie: Right

Rita: Yeah, I think it feels like something I can’t stay away from. I just love Davina, Jonathan… you know we’re family now. You know-

Jessie: Yeah, it looks like you have so much fun.

Rita: I love Moe. I do it in the States now, though, the only problem is it’s filmed the same time.

Lennie: Oh…

Jessie: Babe!

Lennie: So you’re back and forth?

Rita: So it’s like LA, London for a day, and then I’m back to LA

Jessie: Do you have-

Lennie: How do you manage that?

Jessie: This is the thing!

Rita: It’s hell (Lennie: Do you-), but I manage it, it’s just mindset.

Lennie: Do you like aeroplane food?

Rita: I love aeroplane food.

Lennie: Me too. I love it.

Rita: I make a whole thing out of it.

Lennie: I love it.

Rita: Really? You don’t. [T/N: I think referencing Jessie?]

Lennie: I absolutely love aeroplane food.

Jessie: I’ll- I’ll eat it. So I like – I enjoy it.

Rita: I mean I take everything like you know ther- like when “Would you like a glass of champagne?” like as soon as you get there and I hate champagne, I’m like “yeah!” “Would you like nuts?” “Yeah!” And I- and the plane takes off and I’m like (whispers) “can I get some wine and some crisps” (regular voice) and then they’re like okay I’m ready to order okay cool I’ll do the starter, the middle, I mean I make it a whole thing. I love it.

Jessie: Is- (laughs) Wha- I mean, you must fly on every, every different thing. What’s the best- (Lennie: Air New Zealand!) What’s the best catering?

Rita: Airline wise?

Jessie: Yeah

Rita: I mean, I’m honestly not just saying this but Air New Zealand have really good food.

Jessie: I’ve heard they’re good.

Lennie: The wine is fabulous.

Rita: Isn’t it? Well I mean New Zealand wine is great. I went to the best winery in New Zealand actually, you guys need to come-

Jessie: What’s it called?

Rita: Oh I can’t remember but-

Jessie: Oh that’s unhelpful Rita!

Rita: I know, I know but I’ll send- I’ll text you it. It’s so yummy. (Jessie: Well, I, I keep on-) That was wasted.

Jessie: But I keep seeing you hanging out in hobbits houses.

Rita: I mean, because I’m a tourist. I can’t go to a place and not go to the, like, famous touristy places

Jessie: Are you a big Lord of the Rings fan?

Rita: Now I am!

(laughter)

Jessie: I can see! You keep on frequenting the hobbit hole!

Rita: No-no-no, I mean I obviously know about the franchise but I wanted to go and see- I wanted to go see it. Everything in New Zealand is so small because like there’s not that many of them, it’s a very small population and so it’s- Taika’s friends actually helped build the set and so, his name’s Ron, and he was like “Can you go and see it?” It took 2 years for 12 days of filming. Isn’t that insane?

Jessie: Wow!

Lennie: Well shit!

Rita: Come on

Lennie: But I can imagine that.

Rita: 2 years for 12 days!

Lennie: Yeah, but that’s important, isn’t it?

Jessie: But it’s now lived on and now it’s kind of (Rita: There you go) there you go. Um, last supper (Rita, whispering: ah yeah). Starter, main, pud, drink choice.

Rita: You know, for me, I’m a big picker, so like this is my ideal breakfast-

Jessie: Okay great.

Rita: So I would say for starters it would be like salads, bit of cold things like meats and cheeses, um, vegetables, cold not really cooked vegetables I like things feeling a bit raw. (Jessie: okay) Like I don’t know why I just, maybe that’s just how I grew up. Um, so that would be like my starter. (Jessie: yup) And then my dinner would honestly like because I just love food so much it’d probably be just like a really good, great, juicy burger. Like (Lennie: burger!) an amazing burger, like really well cooked juicy meat with like cheese and pickles and like a brioche bread. Like a brioche-

Jessie: Okay, where- where are you getting this burger? Like where is the best burger you’ve ever eaten?

Lennie: Does Taika cook them?

Rita: He makes good burgers. You know, I’ve been on a burger hunt for a really long time.

Jessie: Can I like offer one up to you?

Rita: Go on, yeah

Jessie: In Australia.

Rita: Really?

Jessie: In Sydney. (Rita: Oh!) No, Melbourne! Sorry, Melbourne (Rita: Okay…) Gimlet. (https://gimlet.melbourne/)

Rita: Okay…

Jessie: In like the center bit of- (stuttering) Melbournians, whatever you’re called (laughter) I’m apologizing now. But they do a late night burger, it’s on the menu, it’s a vibe. They do really good dirty martinis (Rita: ooo!) but the burger was sensational. So next time you’re filming, I don’t know whether you- where you film - where do you film the Mask- (Rita: In Sydney) Okay that’s unhelpful then, I’m sorry.

Rita: But you know what’s-

Jessie: Melbourne. If you’re there.

Rita: But you know what’s really good too and easy? A Shake Shack. (https://shakeshack.com) They’re really good.

Lennie: Shake Shack?

Jessie: I’ve never had one.

Rita: You know what, they’re really easy, great, good-

Lennie: Are they in London?

Jessie: Yeah, they are now.

Rita: The ones in America I think of but I’ve never had a London Shake Shack but a good Shake Shack is-is-is good.

Lennie: Where do you stand on In-N-Out? (https://www.in-n-out.com/)

Rita: I mean I love In-N-Out, I do think it’s a bit over- over played. (Jessie: Yeah) But I dunno if that’s just because like we’re English (Lennie in the background indistinguishable) but I feel like-yeah…

Jessie: What did you eat after the Met?

Rita: I mean, what didn’t I eat? It was everything in sight. Pizza, fries, burgers, um, if I had a choice in life I would just eat like burgers for the rest of my life.

Lennie: With chips?

Rita: With chips. (Lennie: yeah) Um, I’ve definitely introduced blue cheese into the burger world which I never used to do before.

Lennie: Oh yeah, I think blue cheese is gorgeous.

Rita: I think it’s nice in the burger. (Jessie: Very nice) I never used to, um, and a good sweet potato fry. Rather than a fry.

Jessie & Lennie at same time: Oh, really?

Rita: Is that disappointing?

Jessie: I don’t know! (Rita: laughing) It’s just – they promise so much and then they don’t deliver.

Lennie: You can’t - The thing is – you can’t keep them crisp.

Jessie: They don’t deliver.

Rita: I agree a little bit!

Lennie: You have to do it in the right flour.

Jessie: you think you’re doing the right thing by choosing the sweet potato fry but you may as well just have… (Rita: the fry) …the fry

Lennie: I like the courgette fries that they have in (Jessie/Rita: mmmmm)- yeah, the courgette fries they have in Whats it Burger, oh is it Honest Burger? (https://www.honestburgers.co.uk/)

Jessie: Oh, do they?

Lennie: yeah

Rita: Oh Honest is good burgers!

Jessie: Yeah, Honest is good.

Lennie: Yeah, they have courgette fries-

Rita: You know what also is good? The Electric has good burgers on Portobello (https://www.electricdiner.com/)

Lennie: (indistinct)

Jessie: Oh I wanted- I wanted to know, you used to work at Size (https://www.size.co.uk/), didn’t you?

Rita: I did, yeah.

Jessie: I can so imagine you- (Rita: Can you?) -being a cool (Rita: Walking around) -trainer girl!

Rita: (laughs) I still am, I was at-

Jessie: Hot, cool trainer girl!

Rita: I was actually talking about it yesterday, I’ve got my, um-

Lennie: Those are lovely!

Rita: These are my Rita for Primark clogs. (https://www.primark.com/en-us/r/rita-ora/view-all)

Lennie: Aren’t they nice?

Jessie: Are you doing another collaboration with them?

Rita: Oh yeah, I’m in bed with them. (Jessie: laughs) They’re my best friends. I mean honestly-

Jessie: They look very comfy.

Rita: I have to just give a quick shout out to Primark because I have to tell you something not even like because I work with them. They were such a massive staple for me growing up- That’s my- That’s my bag!

Lennie: Is this your bag?

Rita: I designed that bag!

Jessie: Oh my god, stop!

Lennie: I absolutely love it

Rita: Can I just hold it?

Lennie: Yeah

Jessie: Oh my-

Rita: So this was inspired-

Jessie: This was not rehearsed, guys.

Rita: No! (Jessie: This is bonkers) Did you not know (Lennie: No) this was Rita Ora Primark? See, this is why I love it because people-

Jessie: Well shouldn’t you be making it a bit more known that it’s your bloody bag, Rita?

Rita: Wait, where’s my logo? Oh that’s what it was, I didn’t want to put my logo on-

Lennie: There’s no logo on it.

Rita: Well no, it’s on the label. (Lennie: okay) It’s not on the- (Jessie: Why didn’t-) Because I didn’t- I wanted the product to really, like, be its thing, I didn’t want people to just buy it ‘cause it’s Rita Ora, I wanted people to actually like the design of it, which you did! (Lennie: I love it) This was, um, just inspired for easy living (Lennie: yeah) That’s everything I do now because, I don’t know if it’s ‘cause I turned 30 but I just do things to be easy in life now, like easy living. That’s so funny that you didn’t know that.

Jessie: That is really funny.

Rita: Anyway this is Primark too (Lennie: my favorite thing)  

Jessie: That’s great, it looks-

Rita: So yeah, shoutout to them.

Lennie: Is that Primark?

Rita: Yeah! And this!

Lennie: Oh my goodness.

Jessie: Babe you’re a full Primarnie girl today

Rita: Yeah because, can I tell you, like, it’s a staple point. Like I grew up really going to them for school, uniform, underwear, when my mum had breast cancer they had a really great breast cancer kind of collection for- for women that have had surgery and it was just always a big thing in my life and something that I always depended on. It was like a trusting friend, you know. Anyway and when I got into business with them everybody was like “Oh! Makes sense!” Cause I just wanted to just do things that I felt like I wanted to see when I was kinda going shopping there. Like high fashion stuff but you couldn’t afford it and it’s just been doing really well because I think people see the authentic story behind it and it’s the truth and that was kind of why I love meshing and blending with them. It felt like going home, I guess.

Jessie: How many bags are you traveling with at the moment, Rita? I don’t even want to know what your luggage amount is when you fly.

Rita: I actually have to like pre-call the airline to just like buy extra luggage

Jessie: Oh my gosh you’re like JLo

Rita: Is that what she does?

Jessie: I think, more- I don’t know if she calls but-

Lennie: Victoria Beckham has about- has a full trolley, doesn’t she-

Jessie: Well, that’s gonna be Rita.

Lennie: -like 20 cases

Rita: Well, what I’ve been trying to do is like leave things at friends’ houses so I don’t have to travel with a lot of things.

Jessie: Oh my god you’re that person. You’re that gal and they’re like “Fucking Rita’s left another bag!”

Rita: (laughing) I’m that person! I’ve left a suitcase at like 3 of my friends’ houses, like “this is actually taking up too much space, you need to come and get it.”

Lennie: Have you got your own house here still?

Rita: Yeah, I have my own house here (Lennie: yeah), yeah yeah yeah. But, right, I’m staying at my mum’s because it’s under, it’s under renovation at the moment.

Lennie: Yeah, it’s always staying with your mum

Rita: And, it’s really cute. And my husband’s coming for the weekend, so it’s going to be like my parents and my husband all in the same house.

Jessie: Have you got a big enough bed for you, or have you got a single bed in there, is it like kind of like-

Rita: It’s like a small double bed (Jessie: Oh bless, I know), and I-I-I don’t, I’ve never done that before, actually, had my husband there with my parents. Have you done that?

Jessie: Yeah, I mean, I’ve been with Sam since I was 18 (Rita: yeah) so just my mum though but like, yeah.

Rita: But when the first time you kinda like had that sleepover, and the parents were in the house like, what?

Jessie: Are we talking about sex here, Rita, or-?

Rita: Well I’m- Well I’m- (laughing)

Lennie: Well him staying the night!

Rita: Wait- I don’t- (laughing)

Jessie: Well what are we talking about-

Lennie: Hence, Rita – I can’t remember- (indistinct)

(laughter)

Rita: I’m talking about what is allowed, you know, like I don’t know

Lennie: You’re a married woman!

Rita: I know but still! It’s the thing of, like, what- (Lennie: Jesus)

Jessie: Why don’t you just book a hotel room? For the night?

Rita: Do you think?

Jessie: I don’t know! If you want to have sex with your husband, just book a hotel room.

Lennie: Jessica!

Jessie: This is what we’re discussing! The important shit!

Rita: No but what I’m saying-

Lennie: But you were talking about the first time you brought Sam and he stayed here-

Jessie: Yeah I’m sure you were very, (Rita: Did you guys-) you were chill about it

Rita: But did you guys, like, have dinner and then it was like “okay goodnight!”

Jessie: Babe, you’re acting like you’re an Amish gal (laughs)

Lennie: Jessie, Sam virtually lived here

Jessie: yeah

Rita: Aww that’s nice

Jessie: But you- I think it’s going to go okay, Rita!

Rita: I hope so! I guess I’ve just never – I’ve never been a married woman like living in the house you know, having my partner stay in the house with my parents – it just feels-

Jessie: It isn’t like he’s a bit of a rando, like, yeah exactly

Rita: Oh that would never have been allowed, no-no-no, but I do believe in the idea of like still, feel-, I dunno, I guess just as kids you’re never really like, it always is weird, I guess. Or maybe just for me.

Jessie: Making each other a nighttime tea at the end of the night.

Rita: I’m like (whispers) “Hey well we’re just gonna go to bed then, night then.”

Lennie: Well, what’s it like being the stepmother?

Rita: Ohhhhh I love it.

Lennie: You do?

Rita: Yeaaaahhhhhh. It just feels really cool because it’s like I’m, I’m just the fairy godmother that doesn’t actually really have any responsibilities. (laughs)

Lennie: And you- yeah. Well it’s same as being a grandmother. (Rita: Is it? It feels-) To be honest. You just give chocolate, you give whatever they want-

Rita: I break all the rules

Lennie: Yeah, break all the rules

Rita: And buy them anything they want

Lennie: Yeah, of course

Rita: It’s the best.

Lennie: Absolutely

Jessie: We haven’t- we haven’t got your dessert (Rita: oh, sorry) Or your drink.

Rita: Oh yeah! Well. Negronis.

Jessie & Lennie: Oooooo

Jessie: Nice

Rita: I love negronis. Um, I have-

Jessie: Have you tried a negroni with tequila in? Mezcal? And apparently it’s really delicious.

Rita: That’s how I make it, because I drink tequila so I do a tequila negroni. It’s really yummy.

Lennie: Hold on, tell me how you make that.

Rita: Okay, well. I don’t really make them. (Jessie: laughs) I just order them. But if I was to make one, I have done them over Christmas but they’re not exactly perfect but-

Lennie: So the ingredients.

Rita: It’s just kind of for me I just do like a bit of Aperol tequila and tiny bit of vermouth and (Jessie: Campari) Campari (https://www.liquor.com/recipes/mezcal-negroni/)  

Jessie: And it’s delish.

Rita: yeah. It’s very strong.

Lennie: That must be quite bitter.

Jessie: It is, but it’s strong, but I like it.

Lennie: And what do you put in, do you put orange in or-

Rita: Yeah I mean I guess the Campari has a bit of that, doesn’t it

Lennie: And is there any water added, like fizzy water or-

Rita: No but I do add a bit of water, like, the ice-

Lennie: Wine- for me

Rita: -because it’s a bit strong.

Jessie: Wine?

Lennie: no, I-I-(indistinct)

(Laughter)

Rita: Wine? Wine anyone?

Lennie: No, because I went to this thing last weekend and they made a cocktail with elderflower, vodka and white wine.

Jessie: Nice

Rita: Like a spritz

Lennie: And it was all mixed up. Yeah! It was really delicious.

Rita: You know I went to a flea market the other day and they were making like day drinks and they were putting rose water with like CBD and like mushrooms-

Lennie: you’re kidding [T/N: I think]

Jessie: You must’ve been in Los Angeles.

Rita: Yeah

Jessie: Yeah. No doubt.

Rita: And like mushroom adapt- adaptiens?

Jessie: Was it nice?

Rita: Is that what they call them?

Lennie: Did you have one?

Rita: Um, adaptogens, adaptigens?

Jessie: Yeah I don’t know but-

Rita: Mushroom adaptogens and I had one and it was like, great, like alcohol but still feeling like I was being healthy.

Lennie: How’d you feel after?

Rita: Great, I mean it wasn’t like psychedelic mushrooms (Lennie: Okay). It was like, uhhh, you know like, uh, Ashwangda and turkeys tail, it’s all these like herbs that are supposed to like help your brain. Lion’s mane, have you ever heard of all of this? (https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/drugs/22361-adaptogens)

Jessie: Yes, that’s a mushroom isn’t it?

Rita: Yes, so that’s-

Jessie: I saw a kombucha with that the other day.

Rita: Yeah so they’re all supposed to be really good for you. Um. And I’ve been putting them in my coffee actually and they’ve been great.

Lennie: Ooo!

Jessie: What supplements do you take? (Rita: Everything) What supplements should I be taking?

Rita: I take everything. Everyone that’s gonna listen to this is probably gonna think I’m crazy but I just don’t have time to like get sick so I’m-I’m-I’m like vitamin C every single day, the sort- the-the liquid ones, 2000 milligrams. And then I have mushroom extracts in my coffee, collagen in my coffee, I do hydration in my water, a liter of water a day, and I do that in the morning before I sort of like eat anything. And then I have a broth, I love broth, so I do ginger broth with turmeric and then a side of like, I don’t know, protein or something-

Lennie: God it’s like being on a health a thon.

(laughter)

Rita: I know! People think I’m insane but it’s because it kind of keeps me going but then for dinner I have anything like bread, desserts, steak, fries, ketchup – I’ll do everything so I’ll have like a massive meal for dinner and then I go to sleep and I do that all again.

Jessie: I mean, I’m – I’m with you on all the, I mean I-I kinda take the supplements and I’m just hoping they’re working

Rita: NAD. (https://www.menshealth.com/nutrition/a60332431/nad-supplement-benefits/)

Jessie: NAD, tell me about NAD. (Lennie: Um) Because I was thinking about doing NAD.

Rita: It’s good, I mean I just I’m not a scientist but from what I’ve read it’s really good for your red blood vessels and oxygen (Jessie: okay) and things like that and keeps you really ennnnergized (Jessie: okay). Iron, I do that a lot. Turmeric… I’m actually pretty boring (Jessie: do you-). You know how people think I’m sort of this like crazy party person, I do like to party now but I have to plan it.

Jessie: Yes.

Lennie: Oh, we all do

Rita: Do we?

Jessie: Are we going to party on Sunday evening?

Rita: Yeah, but I have a show on Sun- on Monday in Amsterdam.

Jessie: Oh that’s- (Rita: I know) Unfortunate (Rita: I KNOW!)

Rita: So I have to like leave at 9 am-

Jessie: No, because then we have to be the person that’s like mouthing at the party so we don’t sing otherwise you’d lose your voice.

Rita: Yeah, it’s so hard to party after a show and you have a show the next day. (Jessie: Yeah) Do you?

Jessie: No, it’s work

Lennie: You never party

Jessie & Rita: Oh!

Jessie: Excuse me!

Lennie: You’re so boring!

Lennieaughter

Rita: My thing is “sorraaayyyy”

Lennie: S’alright

Jessie: Um. Pudding. You’ve got a sweet tooth

Rita: Oh can I also add a cacio e pepe to the dinner?

Jessie: yeah, absolutely

Lennie: Oh, uh, yeah

Jessie: Where’d you get your cacio e pepe?

Rita: I just went to the one place down the road in Golberne yesterday actually for my dinner. I had cacio e pepe and a Negroni. So yeah, that’s on the list. Cacio e pepe at Cacciaris (https://cacciaris.co.uk/) (Lennie: okay) on Portabello Road is to die for. And then my pudding, oh, a sticky toffee or a panacotta, um, I am a sweet tooth, like I will have anything, a cheesecake, almond croissant, not cheese-

Lennie: I’d rather have cheese and a big glass of wine

(laughter)

Jessie: You’re seeing the theme.

Lennie & Rita: yeah

Lennie: The theme here

Rita: But I like that to start.

Lennie: Can you still speak Albanian?

Rita: yeah, yeah…

Lennie: Say “Good morning” in Albanian

Rita: Mirëmëngjesi

Lennie: It’s lovely, isn’t it

Rita: Natën e mirë is good night.  Natën e mire. Some people don’t really say lovely, it’s a bit, it’s definitely a bit more punchy than other languages so it’s nice that you’re calling it lovely. I actually learnt it all at home, my parents only spoke Albanian in the house. And-

Lennie: Do they still do that?

Rita: Not as much anymore, but growing up-

Lennie: So when Taika comes they won’t be talking Albanian to you when he- when they think he’s a bit rude or anything.

Rita: No, never, but he actually learnt the language, bless him, he’s so good, not fluently but he kind of knows key words and he tries to talk to them in Albanian and it makes my heart melt! It’s so adorable!

[T/N: Jessie & Lennie indistinct in background, I think Lennie says “makes me love him even more”]

Rita: (fake crying)

Lennie: And what’s “I love you” in Albanian?

Rita: Të dashuroj

Lennie: Well that’s a nice…

Jessie: Të dashuroj ?

Rita: yeah

Jessie: Um, Rita, it’s been so lovely having you, I don’t really want this to end-

Rita: Me neither

Jessie: I’m gonna ask you quick fire round, um, favorite place to go, unless this is gonna mean that everyone goes there (Rita: laughs), uh, New Zealand, LA, London. Your favorite food spots.

Rita: Ooo, (sound effect) duh-duh-duh-duh-

Jessie: Auckland! Sorry, not New Zealand. Auckland, Los Angeles, London.  

Rita: For food?

Jessie: Food.

Rita: Oh, Auckland does do good food. I mean everything is just fresh, the wine, the meat, everything is delicious.

Jessie: Restaurant? Which restaurant?

Rita: (sound effect) fu-fu-fu-fuhhh…oh my goodness! Sighs It’s hard… cause I mean I don’t want to offend them, because I know them now? You know, the owners? (sound effect) kuh-kuh-kuh-kuh- Ahhh! Hold on.

Lennie: Where do you go most often? Near your house. That you bought down the road.

Rita: I’m going to change the territory, just a little. (Jessie: Okay, fine.) Okay, let’s, let’s stick to London, let’s do George’s Fish and Chips. (https://www.instagram.com/georgesportobellofishbar/)

Lennie: Where’s that?

Rita: George’s is on the corner of Golberne and Portobello. To die for.

Jessie: What’s your order?

Rita: I mean, sausage in batter and chips, obvs.

Lennie: Sausage…

Jessie: Obvs? What, at a fish and chips shop and you’re getting- oh, okay

(laughter)

Lennie: Obvs? Well, I don’t need [T/N: I really have no idea what she says here, there’s like 2 words missing] actually

Rita: (laughing) Obvs at the fish and chips shop you’re gonna get sausage in batter. Yeah no

Jessie: What condiments? Just ketchup?

Rita: Ketchup, a bit of barbecue and lots of vinegar.

Jessie: Okay, so that’s George’s. Um, LA? Not fast.

Rita: I think you made the same face. I’m not that fast. Are you?

Jessie: No…

Lennie: It’s not a food hot spot, I don’t think, LA.

Rita: I mean, if anything it’s that sushi place (Jessie: Sushi Park), that Nobu- that new- that Nobu did before- yeah, yeah

Jessie: Oh, um, uh-

Rita: Matsuhitsu

Jessie: Masuhisa

Rita: Matsuhisa. (https://matsuhisabeverlyhills.com/) It’s got very good sushi.

Lennie: Do you like sushi?

Rita: I like it, when I’m kinda, tryna not eat unhealthy, you know, a good sushi-

Lennie: I don’t get it at all, I don’t get it really.

Rita: Really? Do you like ceviche?

Lennie: Yeah

Rita: I love ceviche.

Jessie: I do too.

Lennie: That’s easy to make.

Rita: A nice salad, a nice…my mouth’s already watering thinking about it.

Jessie: That’s good. So are we going to choose one in Auckland or are you too worried because you’re the new- you’re a new resident there (Lennie: She’s a newbie, yeah) and you need to keep everyone happy?

Rita: I think so, just for now

Lennie:  Have you got a New Zealand passport yet?

Rita: I don’t….no, no. British.

Lennie: Just British?

Rita: Yeah.

Lennie: And not…and not Albanian?

Rita: I actually… No, I mean, I haven’t left- I’ve been here since the beginning and so-

Lennie: Okay, so you’re just British.

Rita: Yeah, yeah. I don’t…I’ve just also had a, this is my home, you know? This is kind of where I’ve grown up, where I live, and where I kind of want to live.

Lennie: Where did– where did you get married?

Rita: Actually we got married in LA. (Lennie: And where did you go-) At home. (laughs)

Lennie: At home. And where did you go on honeymoon?

Rita: It was really cute. It was not a lot of people, it felt really nice, it’s just his kids were there, and we actually found somebody that, it’s called Weddings On The Go? [T/N: Possibly https://www.marriagetogo.com/ ? Couldn’t find a company with this name in California]

(laughter)

Lennie: Weddings On The Go….

Jessie: I’m obsessed with the idea of you Googling probably “Quick wedding (Rita: yeah!) on the go”

Lennie: Weddings On The Go, it’s like-

Rita: And she came to the house and-

Lennie: -take away wedding!

Rita: yeah, that’s what it was! She came to the house and did the job and we were married.

Jessie: Oh my god I love you.

Rita: And I think I was like number 17 in her day (Lennie: and did-), cause she, cause she was not like ready to stay, she was just like hurry up and- (Jessie: cool, you’re married) -you’re done, bye, see you later. Can you open the gate? (Jessie: (laughing) the bride!) I was like “okay! Thanks!”

Lennie: And what was the reception?

Rita: We didn’t have one. It was just all at home, and then that was it. And then we just went out and had drinks… laughs.

Jessie: I love that

Lennie: And then honeymoon?

Rita: We didn’t have one, we went straight back to work, really.

Lennie: Have you had one?

Rita: No, thinking about it, no!

Jessie: Do you want one?

Lennie: She needs a honeymoon.

Rita: I think I need a honeymoon!

Jessie: You fucking need a bloody yea- you need a sabbatical though!

Rita: (laughs) I love you! I will, eventually.

Jessie: Um, last question. (Rita: yeah) A nostalgic taste or smell that can transport you back somewhere?

Rita: Uh, pancakes. But not the American thick pancakes. (Lennie: So-) Almost like the crepe like pancakes. Those are the pancakes my mum made growing up.

Lennie: And what did you have on them? Lemon and sugar?

Rita: I would- No, it was- it’s actually a mix of sweet and savory so I would have lemon and sugar, or jam, and then I would have like that red ajvar sort of sauce with a side of like white cheese, um, and so it’d be more like a salty dish. But they were thin, they weren’t like thick pancakes so they were like crepe-like pancakes.

Jessie: Yeah, sounds delicious.

Rita: And she’d make them from scratch, so there was like no solu- like she’d do it all, the batter and everything. And it’s the best. Thee best.

Jessie: Maybe you should get your mum to make that for dins tonight.

Rita: You know how everyone says their mum is their favorite cook? (Jessie: Is she your fave?) But she really is my favorite. Do you- Is your mum your favorite?

Jessie: ….y-

Lennie: …not really

(laughter)

Lennie: Jessie’s very critical – Jessie always-

Jessie: No, I-I-I love your cooking. We all do. The nation.

Rita: Really? Have I started something?

Jessie: No, no, we love it

Lennie: I can cook!

Jessie: She can cook.

Lennie: Yeah

Rita: Oh I can imagine

Lennie: Jessie-

Jessie: She can whip things up as well, like I’ll never forget (Rita: Yeah), um, my sister’s about to have a baby but (Rita: aww) like she, and she, and I was like “let mum at the kitchen” so I remember there was this one night, I think it was the first baby that I had and I was so tired and mum just made this like delicious slow cooked lamb, kind of- (Rita: gasps, yum), pearl barley I think it was a Northern Ireland [T/N: this is my best guess, please correct me if you know what she says here] thing but I just remember it feeling so nourishing and like she’d made it and it was like the smells of her cooking and me, like, trying to work out how to, like, look after a baby (Lennie: oh good) and I very much appreciated it.

Rita: Was it a pressure cooker that you used?

Jessie & Lennie: No

Rita: Do you put it just-

Lennie: I have got a pressure cooker-

Jessie: Have you got, uh-

Lennie: -but I’ve barely had to use it.

Rita: I’m new to the pressure life, and I love it/

Jessie: Have you got an air fryer?

Rita: I just got one as well last year.

Jessie: And how are you finding this?

Rita: I love it. I think it’s so good for the step kids, like I literally put everything in the air fryer, and they love it. I mean, again, because I just give them whatever they want, if they want fish fingers or whatever I’m like “yeah!” And so then I just put everything in the air fryer.

Lennie: Do you like karaoke?

Rita: Yeah!

Lennie: I love it but Jessie hates it. She says that singers generally don’t like it.

Rita: I mean I wouldn’t go and sing seriously on- at the- (Lennie: ‘course you wouldn’t, what’s your song?)

Jessie: What would be your selection?

Rita: But then I can’t not sing seriously when you like have the mic and then I’m like “wha-alright, fine I’ll just sing it”

Lennie: So which song would you sing?

Rita: Well, Dancing Queen. I’m actually going to sing that on Sunday.

(gasps)

Jessie: That’s gonna go great down.

Rita: But I’m doing like a slow, lovely kind of version of it.

Jessie: But that sounds great!

Lennie: How fun!

Rita: But ABBA’s just always like my fave.

Lennie: Have you seen the ABBA thing?

Rita: No, I haven’t actually had time-

Jessie: Do that with Taika! It’s so good!

Lennie: Oh my gosh it’s so amazing.

Rita: I heard it’s amazing.

Jessie: Babe, it’s amazing.

Lennie: You think they’re there.

Rita: No way!

Lennie: You do, you actually can’t believe they’re not there.

Jessie: It’s really- you’ll love it

Rita: I love that! (Lennie: It’s fantastic) Did you guys go together?

Jessie: Yeah, we did.

Lennie: We all went, didn’t we? It was fantastic.

Jessie: It’s really good, you’d love it.

Rita: I love you guys (Jessie: Rita, you’re fabulous) but you really made my day cause I love this show and I always laugh when I watch you guys and-

Jessie: Thank you babes.

Rita: The quick little arguments you have in between the interviews really make me laugh.

Jessie: We’ve been really well behaved today.

Lennie: Yeah, we have.

Rita: I wouldn’t say arguments, I would say, debates, let’s re-

Lennie: I think we’ve been really quiet

Jessie: We’ve really, we’ve really held back

Rita: Maybe I’ve just talked.

Jessie: No!

Lennie: No you haven’t.

Jessie: No, no.

Rita: I’ll see you guys on Sunday!

Jessie: Yeah we’ll see you again.

Rita: Also if you don’t have any space to be out on her stage-

Lennie: I’ll come over to your’s Ritaita!

Rita: -You always have a spot on mine.

Lennie: Thank you, darling.

Jessie: Thanks Rita.

Rita: I love you guys, thanks for having me!

Jessie: Thank you!

Rita: Yay!

---

Jessie: Mum, didn’t I tell you that you’d love Rita Ora?

Lennie: Absolutely adorable.

Jessie: And she even offered up her husband to you on Sunday at Hoopla!

Lennie: That is the best thing (Jessie: (laughs)) about the whole podcast today, that I’m going to get to meet him.

Jessie: I love Rita, she is incredibly generous and sweet and she is very open.

Lennie: Very, very warm.

Jessie: She’s really – she was really enjoying herself.

Lennie: Good. I think the picky bits worked.

Jessie: Picky bits was perfect. (Lennie: yeah) She was thrilled. Well done, mum. She loves you.

Lennie: I love her.

Jessie: Maybe you’ll be modeling in the next Rita Ora Primark campaign, I don’t know!

Lennie: What’s- what are the Rita Ora fans called?

Jessie: Ritabots

Lennie: I think I’m a Ritaibt now.

Jessie: You’re a Ritabot.

Lennie: Yeah

Jessie: Thank you so much to Rita Ora, her new single “Ask and You Shall Receive” is out now, this is coming out after but maybe you enjoyed her show at Hoopla and uh she’s just a busy bee doing everything.

Lennie: I just don’t know how it would be to move around so much. You wouldn’t know where you were waking up. Do you know what I mean? It’s like when we got back from LA, Jessie, I woke up one day and I thought I was in Belly’s house in Malibu and went the wrong way to the loo from my bedroom. And can you imagine what she’s like? She wouldn’t know where she is.

Jessie: I’m surprised she doesn’t have bumps all on her arms and on her head Mum! [T/N: This sentence was rough and I’m probably missing a few words but this is clearly the sentiment.]

Lennie: I know. She’s never in one place for very long, is she?

Jessie: Maybe we all need to start having lion’s mane (Lennie: yeah) and turmeric broth so I can see you doing that, right up your street mum. Um, but anyway we will see you next week but thank you so much Rita, the single, the new single “Ask and You Shall Receive” is out now, and yeah, let us know if you saw us at Hoopla at the weekend. Thanks.

[artemispanthar]

Since I was talking about Roger earlier I thought I'd share this old 30-page comic I drew back in 2011 where Roger fights a deathclaw. It meant to serve as a prologue to my Fallout story to explain why two wanderers like Magpie and Roger were looking to settle down in New Vegas. I only fully completed 20 pages but had all 30 outlined. I figured I'd share all of them, the completed and the roughs, just for fun. I'm honestly still pretty proud of it as I'd never drawn something so actiony before and I liked how it turned out. It's also a pretty good depiction of their personalities.

Since the last few pages are just my awful handwriting and thus illegible, I figured I'd transcribe them here (since miraculously I can read my handwriting lol)

Page 24

Roger: I told you to stay in the CAVE

Magpie: Yeah, well... if I did you'd be dead so-

Roger: IRRELEVANT

Magpie: Well, it is(n't) to me... and will you drop that? It's so gross

Roger: Come on, let's (didn't finish this sentence)

Magpie: Good idea

Page 25

LATER

Magpie: Anyway, so I raveled with this doctor for, like, months, right? He was pretty nice and I think he wanted me to be his... proofjay or something. He taught me stuff but science ain't really my thing so I kind of forgot most of it. Luckily, I remembered the basics, right?

Magpie: Best I can do 'cause we're out of doctor stuff. Pretty good considering. Still, we should probably see a doc (in the) next town.

Magpie: But we should be fine. Just a few scars. But that's good, chicks dig scars, right? Well, I don't know about bear-chicks, but I figure with those claws they need to be into something kinky.

Roger: ...

Magpie: Uhm...

Page 26

Magpie: Anyway, we make a good team, right? That deathclaw was a tough nut but we cracked him. Bet there's some kind of bounty to collect or something so...

Roger: It was barely a year old. Practically a baby.

Magpie: ...

Roger: Probably on its first hunt alone... a weakling. There's no excuse for it getting the drop on me. If I can't even kill a young deathclaw without injury and HELP I may as well...

Page 27

Magpie: Roger... It's ok, really. Most people would die fighting that thing.

Roger: Right. People.

Roger: I can't be doing this anymore. It's too tiring. I can't be responsible for you.

Magpie: Who asked you? Besides, you worry too much. We'll go find a place with no deathclaws or any of that bad stuff and then you don't need to worry so much.

Roger: Pah! No such place exists.

Magpie: Sure it does! We just haven't gone there 'cause I thought it'd be boring! But if it'll make you feel better we can start heading there in the morning.

Roger: Whatever.

Page 28

Roger: Now if you'll excuse me, it's been a horrible day and I'd like to go to sleep. We may die tomorrow, but I'd like to be awake for it.

Magpie: ...

Magpie: Hey, Roger! Tell me a story.

Roger: No, Magpie. I'm tired and in no mood to-

Magpie: PLEASE

Roger: No.

Magpie: ... Fine, I'll tell it myself.

Roger: Knock yourself out.

Page 29

Magpie: Once upon a time there was this bear. He was a pretty awesome bear, you see. He fought off a whole army, all by himself.

Magpie: Not just an army, though, oh no, it was an army, a vertibird, and two tanks.

Roger: Three tanks.

Magpie: ... right, three tanks. Those were the easy part. First, he broke into the first tank.

Roger: The tanks don't come in until later.

Magpie: Well, damn, you want to tell it? I thought you were too busy being all old man tired.

Roger: Well, if you're going to tell it wrong.

Page 30

Magpie: Well, if it's so important to you, maybe you should tell me the right way.

Roger: *sigh* Well, first of all, you don't explain the plot at the beginning of the story like this. It is far better to leave you audience in suspect, not know the obstacles the hero faces. Second, don't start with "once upon a time," that typically begins fairy tales and is terribly cliche. Try something more like...

Roger: The compound was built like a fortress, not that he'd ever seen one. Populated by no fewer than 50 armed guards and countless war machines, his escape seemed doomed from the start...

END

[granulesofsand]

🗝️🏷️ syscourse, invalidation, McLean video

I (alter) just watched the McLean video in its entirety, thanks to a syscourse incitation on TikTok. It’s been the only version I could see and hear (or my auto captions could hear and transcribe for me), and I have opinions about it.

If you& were destabilized by the original circulation or have found peace since, consider skipping this post. If you& want to discuss it, please let us know how to make the conversation accessible to you&.

My overall impression of this lecture is strongly negative. There were large segments I agreed with, but the tone and labels left a bad taste in my mouth. We have a system policy against using content without permission, and Robinson knocked it flat down.

In addition to all of that, he was told what was disrespectful four months earlier at his first lecture, and he did it again anyway.

I don’t believe the use of “imitative” is beneficial when describing presentations of a disorder. His definition of “imitative DID” — misconstrued symptoms exacerbated by psychological gain — was very similar to factitious disorder, so much so that I’d argue it serves more as a subtype than a new category.

The proposed imitative presentation was a direct contrast to the “genuine” cases, who Robinson claimed were in all stages of healing.

Genuine vs imitative:

Covert vs overt — rather than recognizing a changing population, Robinson asserts that the increase of overt presentation is evidence of poor representation of a past percentage

Shame vs celebration — shame is not addressed as relating to trauma despite prevalence in traumagenic DID presentations, while celebration is viewed only through the lens of dangerous encouragement to fit in

Fragmentation vs multiplicity — fragmented presentations of DID are still multiple if they take the label, and be likens the elaboration of alters to creating character rather than healing

Amnesia vs disavowal — taken from the study of the women who were supposedly misdiagnosed with DID, frames disavowal of memories formed in high emotional states as lying rather than state-specific memories

All plurals, multiples, and endogenic are defined by these standards, though not directly diagnosed imitative. A question in the final segment of the video asked what Robinson made of empowerment, which he answered by saying we should stick to prescribed informational campaigns.

I think the main problem of the lecture’s content was Robinson’s misunderstanding of community pride. He does notice the pressure to identify with a group and remain in that group, the differences in plurality vs medical multiplicity, and the allowance for genuine presentations to take up space, but ultimately decides our pride defines us as not CDD systems.

Another question asked what he intended to do to help this other population, if they weren’t in need of trauma therapy for CDDs. He restated that it was not what he offered, and moved on.

Because Robinson remains outside the plural community, he has no awareness of non-traumagenic dissociation whatsoever. He does a wonderful job of illustrating the connection to trauma and the history of getting there, but the closest he got to disproving healthy dissociation was showing that those with CDDs were not likely sociogenic (as in prone to fantasy and confused).

He made some good points about algorithms of social media, commodification of users, and unhealthy group dynamics, and I can see how people on these settings might find their psychological reasons for misconstruing symptoms (which he calls imitation).

If that were his whole lecture, my only concern would be how the community took it, but it wasn’t. Robinson overreached by using video examples of behaviors and by defining those behaviors to start. He defined an entire social movement into imitation, and his reasoning for our being harmful didn’t match his criteria.

There is no correct presentation of a CDD. You& meet the DSM criteria or you& don’t. You& get professional treatment or you& don’t.

The plural community exists for all of those options, and it exists because some fell into the “don’t”s.

This is why we push for acceptance of both medical and community voices; some people need therapeutic treatment, and most people need social care.

Nobody has to opt in to any identity label. Those with CDDs don’t have to be plural or multiple, but getting to know others with similar experiences can alleviate that shame so common in traumatized people. It’s okay if that sounds like a poor fit for the present, and it’s okay if that sounds like a poor fit forever. The important part is that everyone gets a choice.

We (system) also had shame around our trauma and our system. We still do, though to a much lesser extent for far more of us. Most of us weren’t so elaborated when we found out we were multiple, and we’re learning even now how to allow overt switches for safety. Putting our body down during long switches sounds better than slumping or falling while we dissociate, and we’re safe enough to stop hiding those switches now. We don’t have so much amnesia of amnesia anymore, so we can tell we’ve forgotten and talk to each other to find out what happened.

Community really helped us, as did a therapist who insisted on internal realities rather than imitative symptoms. You& deserve better than this “genuine” presentation. Heal how you& heal, and do whatever empowers you&.

[peemanne]

Yakuza 3 Review: Shining "Black Sheep"

Hey, it's Pee again. I actually finished writing the first draft of this AND my Yakuza 4 review months ago on my notebook, but I didn't get around to transcribing it digitally until now. Ended up rewriting a lot more than I was expecting haha

Also I still need to finish my 0 review but I'm a little caught up on making my 6 review first, since I'm kind of just dying to talk about it. Anyways, here's Yakuza 3. It's so cool.

This review contains MAJOR SPOILERS.

Reviewed on April 10, 2024. Last completed on March 5, 2023

Completed on PC (Remastered)

Rating: 8/10 (4 Stars)

Yakuza 3’s become something of a black sheep within the community. It might be because of the jump from Kiwami 2 or the lack of a proper port of the original 2, but a part of the community seems to be so adamant about bashing 3, usually because of the combat, the story, or some mix of both. That being said, I’ve noticed that we’re kind of backtracking from that, as more and more people come to praise and appreciate 3, some even calling it one of the best. Personally, I do find myself liking Yakuza 3 quite a bit, though there are definitely a few missteps that hold it back from really sitting there with the other greats in RGG’s catalogue. 

I just want to get one thing immediately out of the way as I get into the game’s combat: “Blockuza” is an overblown exaggeration. Kiryu has a lot of tools to get past something like that. With that being said though, Yakuza 3’s early game combat can feel a little miserable at times, especially with some egregiously bad boss fights like Tamashiro 1 and Rikiya. Once you grab the Komaki abilities though, it all really starts to open up for the player. Wall bounding with Kiryu’s moveset is fun, counterattacks like the Komaki Parry and Tiger Drop feel especially beefy in this entry, and 3’s engine allows for some neat off-the-ground tech if you know what you’re doing. While I don’t think it’s quite as satisfying as its predecessor Yakuza 2, Yakuza 3’s hits still feel hefty and impactful, with the aforementioned counterattacks being the big winners here. The sound design in the combat is still really solid, and I believe is something that usually goes underappreciated during discussions of this game’s combat (and in general, really). I also just wanna bring up the weird messed-up faces that appear after you use heat actions on the generic street goons. It’s very funny just how absolutely horrible they look after a fight, and it’s even funnier that this carries over to 4. One aspect that I do feel is a little lacking though is Kiryu’s damage in this entry. It’s weirdly lacking? And it’s not like bosses take too long, that’s not really my problem, but it makes heat actions feel oddly weightless despite the good animation work. Getting everything right for a heat action only for it to barely dent the poor soul you’re beating the snot out of just doesn’t feel the same. For comparison, Y4’s Kiryu feels like he does way more damage with his heat actions, and I think they feel better there because of it, which is interesting when you remember Y4 Kiryu is almost identical to his depiction in 3. Yakuza 3’s combat overall is pretty solid save for the early game. It’s far from the strongest this series has seen, but Kiryu’s moveset feels strong and is just pretty fun to mess around with. Props to Richardson for being the only actually enjoyable gun boss fight in the series. With that being said, please keep Lau Ka Long away from me. 

Yakuza 3’s story arguably has Kiryu at his best. He finally gets to breathe in between constant Tojo feuds with some dad slice-of-life stuff at the orphanage, and all of it is just so, so cute. It’s a little slow, sure, and that might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I found myself so charmed by it all. My heart melts seeing Kiryu, who’s gone through so much, get to be happy with his little scamps. The characters really come through here, the stars of course being the Ryudo family. Rikiya’s the brightest one, a fun companion throughout who both contrasts and bounces off of Kiryu well. Then there’s Nakahara and Saki, a sweet encapsulation of the game’s themes of fatherhood. And there’s the kids themselves, all distinct and fun to simply watch run around with their Uncle Kaz. My favorite one is Taichi because he’s awesome. 

The rest of the plot though, I’m a little mixed on. There are some genuinely great stuff here: Mine’s an amazing antagonist despite his small amount of screentime, seeing the Tojo so broken down after Kiryu’s shenanigans in 1&2 was interesting (the Nishikiyama family having KANDA as its patriarch is my favorite example of this), Majima’s characterized shockingly well, this game marking the start of him being taken more seriously, and Joji’s honestly a cool ass character despite being an asspull and a half. Unfortunately, Yakuza 3 has a few egregious mistakes that impede it from being an all-timer story for this series. For one, 3 falls victim to a lot of early writing habits that this series eventually broke out of over time. A lot of characters unjustly die for no good reason, Mine and Kashiwagi being the biggest offenders. It also has the big ol’ “Kiryu forgets to disarm the bad guy and said bad guy kills a valued ally” schtick, and it’s as infuriating as ever. Then there’s the “giant exposition dump” chapter, with Yakuza 3 having by far the worst case of it ever with Chapter 9: The Plot, which is almost entirely dedicated to Kiryu and Date sitting down and listening to some politician explain what the hell is even going on. Despite all of this, Yakuza 3’s story is still very enjoyable, and I think it’s very much worth it to endure all of its little shortcomings to appreciate its amazing characters, both new and returning faces. 

Side content is decently well-rounded for the most part in Y3. It introduced the series to Karaoke, for which we are all eternally grateful, of course. I really like the hostess songs in this entry, and it’s a shame that most of them don’t return for later games. 3 also has the hitman missions, which is a cool side-activity throughout. Additionally I hate Yakuza 3’s golf and everything it stands for Yakuza 3’s substories consist of a lot of filler substories where not much really happens, but the ones that stand out REALLY stand out. You have a really unique substory that spans from Chapter 9 until the finale in Murder at Cafe Alps, you have some silly gag substories like Kiryu having to cross the street with 2 massive ice-cream cones. You have substories that flesh out characters from the main story, like the amazing Dotting the Eye with Rikiya, and the sweet Date’s Pride substory. You can also have Kiryu say “H e y ,  s w e e t c h e e k s” in English, if you so please. I love it! 1-4 all have substories that occasionally use full-on cutscenes, and you can tell how much care they put into them. Yeah, it still has that annoying thing from other early games where you can flat-out fail a substory and lock you out of them, but still. Quality selection of substories. 

Lastly, 3’s soundtrack. I’m absolutely a sucker for this series’ soundtrack, so I’m not even going to pretend that I’m not biased. Yakuza 3’s music bridges the gap between the roughness and raw power of the original Yakuza 1 & 2’s almost grungelike style with the cleaner compositions of the later games, and I think it works out pretty well! You have your badass tracks like FM-Sound’s Storm, Bruise, and Hear this in the game. You have your intense, climactic songs like the fan-favorite Fly, the beautiful Lyricism Without Tears (which, as a bonus, gets one of the coolest track names this series has ever been graced with), and the underrated End Point. I find Yakuza 3’s OST isn’t really talked about all that much outside of the justified praise of Fly, which is a real shame, because there are some real quality tracks on display here. 

Yakuza 3 stands as a very solid game in its own right, even with a few annoyances bogging it down. I don’t think it deserved all of the unending slander it seems to receive. I love my dad Kiryu, I love seeing him hang out with his kids, and, despite all the bad, I still love this game. Also, Albert Wesker’s in it, and I think that’s pretty funny.

[cakeofthepan]

So, that episode huh? Have a compilation of the 7 times Scary was joking about murder and the one time she was not. I did also cry while transcribing this, these poor teens are dealing with so much right now, someone give them a hug and some therapy please.

[Audio Transcript:

[Theme from  Agatha Christie’s Marple plays]

Anthony: So when we last left you, you had just learned that the first anchor that you needed to find was the anchor of loneliness and it had taken the form of Tony Pepperoni the principal of teen high

Will: [Gasps]

Matt: I feel like our instinct is not to just murder it’s uh, it’s to be 4 therapy teens and solve this

Normal: Something in my heart tells me that the anchor is in Tony Pepperoni

Taylor: So do we kill him?

Scary: I’m down with killing him

Normal: I don’t wanna kill- I mean he’s my arch enemy, I kinda hate his guts but like-

Taylor: So you wanna kill him?

Scary: Yeah

Normal: I don’t- no. The whole point is to not kill people

Normal: Team huddle, everyone just- give us one second Mr-

Tony: I just want someone to fix me or kill me

[laughter]

Scary: You heard him he wants to be killed

Link: No no!

Normal: No no! Dah! Guys, we really bit off a lot here, this is a little out of my depth

Scary: Guys I know what we have to do

Normal: What we- what do we have to do? As I’m pretty sure we just torqued this guys marriage?

Scary: Yeah, we gotta kill Ralph

Link: Yeah but like, we just ripped the bandaid off

Normal: Gotta kill Ralph??

Scary: Yeah

Link: Well, wait what’s that gonna do Scary?

Scary: I don’t know. I just know it’s the right thing to do

Link: Oh, well

Normal: Well let’s table that for now

Matt: As I’m walking-

Link: Hey Normal, do you think that maybe his wife’s also the problem? Do you think this is-

[laughter]

Scary: We gotta kill his wife

Scary: Maybe you’re the problem

Taylor: Woah, woah Scary

Anthony: Roll persuasion… or intimidation.

Beth: I got a 7

Anthony: Alright, she goes

Margarita: No, I’m not the problem maybe you’re the problem

[various gasps]

Margarita: Maybe they saw you and they thought eww, if a girl that ugly can exist than I don’t wanna be alive anymore

Scary: Guys, guys we need to kill Margarita

[laughter]

Scary: If you guys are still down with killing her I am

Link: Yeah maybe, I’m so bad at this guys

Link: Look, you either gotta stop being lonely or we’re gonna have to kill you, that’s the situation

Scary: Yeah

Anthony: Roll intimidation

Matt: That’s a 12

Anthony: A 12

Tony: I mean, that’s a little strong, you’re coming on a little strong for that. I already feel like I’m dying inside anyway so what’s the point?

Tony: I just wish someone would kill me.

[laughter]

Scary: I’m saying guys, it would be so easy

Tony: Would it help if I told you that I’m racist?

[laughter]

[music fades out]

Willy: Scary-

Anthony: And he like, looks at you and he follows Scary’s gaze to Tony Pepperoni and he looks back at Scary and he goes

Willy: Just say the word

Scary: Go ahead

Willy: Okay!

Anthony: And he pulls a knife out of one of the knife holders and just stabs Tony Pepperoni in the throat with it

Link: Mr. Pep- Normal: I-

Link: You’re not-

Matt: I hold his hands- does he die?

Will: I rush up, I cast cure wounds on him

Scary: Wait, stop

Normal [yelling]: What do you mean fuck you Scary are you fucking kidding me right now?

Taylor [yelling]: Why are you telling him to stop? What the fuck?

Will: And I cast cure wounds

Willy: It’s over. It’s already happened. It’s done

Normal [yelling]: NO!

Willy: It’s done. It’s okay

Normal [yelling]: What?? No?

Willy: It’s fine. It’s fine!

Normal [yelling]: Call an ambulance

Anthony: And Link is there holding Tony Pepperoni and Tony’s like

Tony: [trying to speak but can’t]

Link: Hey man, I’m here you’re- you’re not alone man. I’m- I’m here with you.

End Transcript]

[dollsonmain]

Today I should rest and spend time with myself but there's too much to do.

I need to look for insurance some more, shower, catch up on chores, get ready to go get groceries/make the list....

Yesterday I remembered something.

So, I get up really early in the morning in the hopes of getting a little time to myself with the quiet.

On weekdays That Guy gets up at 4 and so do I. I make sure I'm up and out of bed, downstairs, drinking my coffee before he gets out of the shower so he doesn't come kneel down and try to stick his dick in my face every morning.

He leaves at 5.

Then, if I'm lucky, Son will stay in bed until 6 but he usually gets up at 5 because That Guy stomps and slams and insists on having a conversation or giving me a lecture first thing in the morning when I'm not even awake, yet.

This morning it was "Our son doesn't know some specific information which is not available to him and he's disrespecting me by not having this information that doesn't exist can you figure it out but don't tell him you're figuring it out behind his back because I want him to do it even though he can't." Again.

Son leaves at 7.

On the weekends I often wake up around 5 or 5:30 and try to sneak out of bed

Usually, Son is already awake and he gets up as soon as he hears me moving around in the house. He starts immediately with noise videos, noisy apps, transcribing music, etc. and he talks the whole time. Louder, and louder, and louder with the occasional "Dad's asleep, still, watch your volume [because I'd like him to stay that way]" from me.

Often That Guy is woken up by me getting out of bed and also gets up because he's suddenly Alone and that's unacceptable.

Yesterday, I was up and trying to work on something on the computer, Son got up and started in but I've gotten pretty good at both engaging with him and continuing to work, then That Guy got up and demanded my full attention constantly.

I snapped at him a bit saying I was busy and leave me alone, which I feel bad about, but if I'm sitting in front of a screen, typing, with multiple resource tabs open, actively researching and processing information, I don't need a play-by-play of every fart, the fact the house is cold like every winter, and what he's eating/drinking, and are you still working are you still working are you still working I want to play video games and you have to watch.

...

It reminded me of a time at my grandma's house when my aunt and I were still young. My aunt is 5 years younger than I am, so we are close in age.

Grandma put us to bed in her bed, which was a queen, and my aunt kept scooting over so she was basically on top of me. I told her to move and give me space, but she wouldn't.

I got up and went to the other side of the bed repeatedly in the night and every time she'd scoot over on top of me again.

Eventually I took a blanket into the living room to sleep on the couch, and she followed me there, too.

In the morning I complained to grandma and she said I was being mean and my aunt just wanted to cuddle and be close to me.

What I needed didn't matter.

-

That persists. It doesn't matter that I need time to myself. I'm expected [by That Guy] to pay attention to Son at all times and to pay attention to That Guy at all times.

The only time I get truly to myself is very early in the morning if I'm lucky enough the boys stay in bed, or for about an hour at night because I go to bed earlier than everyone else on purpose.

This is why I call Monday my recovery day, but I don't get Monday, either. Monday is groceries day.

Even if I try going down to the basement, That Guy starts stomping around overhead as hard as he can, just to remind me he's up here, he's Alone, I'm not doing what he wants me to do, and he's bored.

It doesn't matter how much I beg the people around to please, please just get off of me.

It's very frustrating.

-

Anyway, that's all part of why I'm so hard focused on the basement right now, I guess.

Desperately trying to regain control of literally anything, trying to find a quiet place where I can breathe, trying to feel human again.

[run-aled]

RED VALLEY: SEASON 1 EPISODE 2"The Golden Bullet"

[transcript]

SCENE 1

THE ABRUPT SWITCH OF A TAPE PLAYER RUNNING. A CRACKLING, ANCIENT RECORDING BEGINS TO PLAY

FEMALE VOICE: Aubrey Wood, log number 58. The infusions have begun in earnest now. Yogi and Pooh aren't feeling too chipper. Yogi's only been out of the medibay for 48 hours as it is, I'm confident he'll be back in again by tonight. Pooh's problems are as much down to his attitude as anything else. He ripped out his IV this morning and wouldn't eat. You'd be forgiven for thinking he doesn't want to be here. All the others seem fine, responding well. Not enough time's passed to observe any particular cause for these two reactions compared to the others. And honestly not a big enough pool to draw any worthwhile conclusions anyway. Maybe it's because we didn't give the other guys such stupid names.

TAPE PLAYER CLICKS OFF.

THE KITCHEN, WARREN'S HOME. CLOSE SOUNDS OF WASHING UP.

KAREN: (OFF) What names did the other guys get?

WARREN: (CLOSE) Brown, Black, Grizzly and Polar.

KAREN: She's right, they are less stupid.

WARREN: Indeed.

KAREN: How much more is there?

WARREN: Haven't listened to it all but not a lot. Tape's mostly blank. Maybe they were for dictation, someone transcribes the log then wipes the tape. Maybe they used a different tape for each log, no matter how short. Maybe she lost it.

KAREN: Maybe it was taken.

WARREN: Or maybe it was taken.

KAREN: This is exciting! So what is it, some animal testing thing? That might explain why its a big secret. Can't pour shampoo in a rabbit's eyes these days.

WARREN: You sound sad about that.

KAREN: You know how brittle my hair is. I need good shampoo.

WARREN LAUGHS.

KAREN: Have you spoken to Doug about this? Do you think he'd be okay with you following some eco-warrior who's sending what I assume is confidential material to your home address?

WARREN: I haven't mentioned it yet.

KAREN: Because this guy Gordon told you not to?

WARREN: No, because it's...twenty past 7 in the morning and I'm scrubbing fish skin off a frying pan. I'll speak to him about it later. Gordon's just an old fruit. The whole company is crawling with this kind of guy, little mole men who never see daylight and want to be in the X-Files.

KAREN: Do you want to be in the X-Files?

WARREN: Are you kidding, I'm married to a fucking X-File

KAREN: Ahhhhh!

WARREN: Ahhhhhhhhhh -

CUT.

SCENE 2

TAPE PLAYER BEGINS.

AUBREY WOOD: Dr Thomas wants to keep going with the dietary supplements. I'm less inclined to continue just because they taste so bad, none of them are enjoying it and like I said, Pooh is just refusing now, even when I gave him something he liked instead he wouldn't touch it. Dr Thomas thinks it'll help the infusion process along and I don't know, maybe it would. It shouldn't be necessary though, and if we don't stick to the regimen we laid out then how are we going to prove the infusion's efficacy. I suppose we're both coming from a place of compassion. I want to bring their spirits up, send them in with as positive a state of mind as we can. Ben wants to give them the best physiological shot possible. Bryony will decide.

TAPE PLAYER CUTS.

CANTEEN, DAYTIME. THE BUSY SOUNDS OF LUNCH HOUR.

CASHIER: That's £4.20 please.

WARREN: £4.20? How is that, it's usually, like 3 quid something.

CASHIER: Vegetables are 50p per serving so that a pound...chips are £1 a serving so that's £3…

WARREN: How is that £3?

CASHIER: That's 2 servings of chips.

WARREN: That's 1 serving of chips.

CASHIER: And the pie is £1.20.

WARREN: But that's only 1 serving of chips.

CASHIER: It's 2 sir.

WARREN: How many chips quantifies a serving? Is there a specific number?

CASHIER: I'll take £4.

WARREN: So the price is negotiable now? Is the chip count negotiable too?

CASHIER: Sir…

CUT.

OFFICE, DAYTIME. WARREN APPROACHES A DESK IN A BUSY OFFICE.

WARREN: Hello.

JEMMA: Hi.

WARREN: I'm sorry...this is my desk.

JEMMA: Oh Warren! Hi, I'm Jemma.

WARREN: Hi, hi. Um. So is something wrong with your desk, or...

JEMMA: No, the hotdesking starts today.

WARREN: What hotdesking?

JEMMA: It was in the email from Doug.

WARREN: I haven't seen that email.

JEMMA: Oh. That's awkward! I've taken your desk!

WARREN: Yeah. I...don't know where to sit now. They're all taken, aren't they?

AWKWARD PAUSE

JEMMA: Hmm. I assumed you're meant to be on the road today, that's why there's nothing free.

WARREN: Okay, cool, cool. I guess its fine, if its just today.

JEMMA: Oh no, its every Thursday.

WARREN: What?

JEMMA: It's...every Thursday now. Because of Neil and Doug...

WARREN HAS TAKEN HIS PHONE FROM HIS POCKET, RINGING OUDLY.

WARREN: Sorry.

JEMMA: You should check the email.

WARREN: I will, I will. Hello?

GORDON:: (D) Did you listen to it?

WARREN: Hello?

GORDON: (D) Did you listen to the tape?

WARREN: Mr Porlock?

GORDON: (D) No, I'm the other guy you met yesterday who put his balls on the line sending recordings of highly sensitive material to your house.

WARREN: Of course, of course.

GORDON: (D) Is this a bad time, you seem to have a big boyvoice on.

WARREN IS MOVING QUICKLY THROUGH THE OFFICE AND THROUGH A DOOR TO A QUIET, ECHOEY STAIRWELL.

WARREN: No, now is fine.

GORDON: (D) Did you listen to it?

WARREN: I've listened to it.

GORDON: (D) And?

WARREN: It's really interesting, yes.

GORDON: (D) Interesting?

WARREN: Yes.

PAUSE. GORDON SIGHS.

GORDON: (D) Look, I'm going to be in the car park of the north build at 7pm tonight. I've got a gold colour Vauxhall Astra. Well it's more coppery but I like to say its gold. I call it the Golden Bullet. It doesn't go very fast.

WARREN: Thank you for telling me that but I-

GORDON: (D) Meet me in the car, but I recommend you get to the end of the tape first as you obviously haven't. Then we can discuss how 'interesting' it is.

WARREN: I actually have a lot of other things I-

GORDON HANGS UP.

WARREN: Motherfu-

CUT.

SCENE 3

WARREN, IN HIS CAR.

WARREN: So yeah, it's good, this guy seems to have some background on the whole thing, so...yeah.

DOUG: (D) Seems to?

WARREN: Yeah. He says he used to work for the Seed Vault in some capacity. I think he may have been let go to be honest, he seems a bit bitter about the whole thing.

DOUG: (D) Well it would be useful to find someone who was involved with the project at a managerial level. These guys, they rename, repurpose, restaff these things all the time. If it wins them their slice of the budget they will do whatever they have to to stay in business.

WARREN: Yeah, of course. I will, this guy is just interesting and I thought it would be good to get to know as much about...you know, whatever this is, before I went in all guns blazing.

DOUG: (D) All guns blazing.

WARREN: Yeah.

DOUG: (D) Did you speak to Clive Schill yet?

WARREN: Uh, no. Nope, I tried him, haven't had a response yet.

DOUG: (D) I heard he's the man of the hour in R&D. I'm sure he'd be able to help.

WARREN: I'm sure he can, yep, just want to work this guy Gordon, I like to be thorough. Don't worry.

DOUG: (D) I'm not worried, buddy. You just keep me posted, alright? And ask for help when you need it, okay? That's what I'm here for.

WARREN: You got it. Oh, and Doug?

DOUG: (D) Yeah?

WARREN: Have I lost my desk on Thursdays?

DOUG: (D) Yeah, Jemma needs it while Neil is restructuring. You saw that in the email?

WARREN: Of course, of course. I think I just got the date wrong, or something.

DOUG: (D) Right.

WARREN: Not to worry. I'll be on the road.

DOUG: (D) Okay then.

WARREN: Right, I'll let you go. And Doug, thank you. Again.

DOUG: (D) Don't be soft.

WARREN: Sure thing.

DOUG: (D) Find the money!

THEY BOTH LAUGH.

CUT.

THE TAPE PLAYER BEGINS AGAIN.

AUBREY WOOD: It's 3.43am. Yogi is dead. He was back in the medibay for a few hours and we'd ceased the infusion six, no, seven hours ago. But he arrested just after midnight. Bryony and Ben were already there, I arrived as soon as I heard the alarm. We did everything right, everything we could, but we couldn't get him back. I'm going to sleep.

CLICK AS THE TAPE STOPS, THEN IMMEDIATELY RESUMES.

AUBREY WOOD: Dr Thomas, Dr Halbech and I all concur that Yogi died of a massive hypercoagulation event. If he had had a single embolism maybe he would've survived the arrest and we could have...there was no way we could've stopped it happening. Yogi had no genetic disposition that would invite this kind of scenario, or he never would've made it on to the program. So it must've been a reaction to the cryoprotectant. Yogi was on the alpha course with Pooh and Brown so we've paused their infusions while Bryony recalibrates. This still isn't going to bump the schedule apparently. Teddy Bears Picnic goes live on Monday and I have never felt stupider using that codename than I do this morning.

CUT.

SCENE 4

WARREN IS ON THE PHONE

VOICE: If I could just take the account number, I can help you with that sir.

WARREN: I gave you that just now.

VOICE: I...don't think you did.

WARREN: Not you, the robot person asked me to type it in before I got put through to you.

VOICE: That's your policy number, not your account number.

WARREN: How is that different

VOICE: Your policy number is for your individual policy, the account refers to your department, Accounts.

WARREN: You want a number for the account for Accounts.

VOICE: Yes.

WARREN: Look, I don't have that number, I just have the letter you sent which tells me you're lowering my pension contribution when I requested that I increase it.

VOICE: Yes, with the account number I can access all your policy information and see where we are with-

WARREN: If you need the account number to see my policy information then what is the point of a policy number?

VOICE: Sir...

CUT.

THE CANTEEN.

WARREN: Just the curry and the yoghurt thanks.

CASHIER: Could you lift the poppadom please?

WARREN: Sorry?

CASHIER: Can I see under the poppadom.

WARREN: What do you think is under the poppadom?

CASHIER: I'd like to check please.

WARREN: It's curry. There's curry under the poppadom.

CASHIER: Will you lift it?

WARREN: No. I'm going to draw the line here. I'm not going to lift the poppadom.

CASHIER: Sir, there's a line. I can't charge until I've seen your items and I need to confirm what is underneath the poppadom.

WARREN: There are 5 chips under the poppadom.

CASHIER: I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that?

WARREN: There are 5 chips under the poppadom.

THERE IS SOME QUIET GIGGLING AND A GASP.

CASHIER: Well that's another pound isn't it.

WARREN: It sure is

WARREN LUMPS CHANGE ON TO THE COUNTER.

CASHIER: Thank you.

WARREN: Thank you.

CASHIER: Have a great day.

WARREN: You have a great day.

CASHIER: I will try.

WARREN: Swell. Namaste.

CUT.

DIFFERENT PHONE CALL.

CLIVE: No no no, if you want to talk about anything like crop storage, anything in the Agric sector, you need to go back to before Overhead acquired all those patents. You need to go back to Wheelhouse.

WARREN: Wheelhouse?

CLIVE: Wheelhouse. That was the company that owned all the farming contracts. They had satellite operations around the country, around the world. When we absorbed Wheelhouse we took all those over.

WARREN: Right.

CLIVE: Overhead doesn't just buy patents, man. We buy every other company that buys patents. We own ideas, thats the point.

WARREN: Yeah, I get it.

CLIVE: Yeah, you do! Doug told me you were the next big thing.

WARREN: I don't know about that. Clive...Do you know anything about cryo...cryonic storage?

CLIVE: Hmm. You mean cryogenics?

WARREN: No that's actually the study of...I can't remember, actually. Anything cryo-ey really.

CLIVE: We own a bunch of patents for, like, athletic treatments, like cryosaunas for rich footballers, Olympians, shit like that, I don't know. What's that got to do with your seed vault thing?

WARREN: Well if it was a vault for storing crops they'd have to be frozen, wouldn't they.

CLIVE: Oh right. Yeah, that makes sense.

WARREN: So you don't?CLIVE: Don't what?

WARREN: Know anyone, any teams that work in cryo stuff.

MUFFLED SOUNDS ON THE LINE.

WARREN: Clive?

CLIVE: Yeah?

WARREN: Everything alright?

CLIVE: Yeah man. Look I've got to bounce, good talking with you. Doug was right, you're the next big thing! Let's get a drink or something soon.

WARREN: Oh right, yeah, let's-

CLIVE: I'll email you. Peace.

HANGS UP.

CUT.

SCENE 5

GORDON'S CAR.RAINFALL OUTSIDE. DOOR OPENS, THE RAIN LOUDER, SPLASHING IN PUDDLES NEARBY. WARREN GETS IN, SHUTS THE DOOR.

GORDON: Are you recording?

WARREN: Jesus, I just got in. Aren't you recording anyway?

WARREN RUMMAGES IN A BAG.

GORDON: Of course I am. But you need a copy for your own records.

WARREN: Can't I just have a copy of yours?

GORDON: Now you're being ridiculous.

WARREN PLACES HIS TAPE PLAYER ON THE DASH AND CLICKS IT ON.

WARREN: There. Done. Continue.

GORDON: How did you enjoy the tape?

WARREN: Some horrible things happening to some things with code names that are all bears for some reason.

GORDON: Some things.

WARREN: So you're saying they're people, Yogi and Pooh and Brown Bear and whatever.

GORDON: Well if they were bears, they wouldn't be very good code names.

WARREN: I suppose not.

GORDON: Kind of weird though isn't it. Wood talking about compassion, about doing what's right. But she doesn't treat them like people. They might as well be animals. Pumping them up with their synthetic shit and sending them to their doom.

WARREN: What are the infusions, what's she giving them?

GORDON: I don't know exactly. But we're past the nutritional boosting phase, the training, the fitness, the aptitude tests, the gene studies. We're getting to the real ham of this sandwich, Warren. These are cryoprotectant infusions.

WARREN: But what is that?

GORDON: Getting your subjects in the best shape of their lives is only the first part. You want someone to survive the greatest endurance test humankind has ever known, you're going to want to make sure they're ripped like Jesus before they go through it. But none of that matters if you freeze them so fucking hard ice crystals form all over their body and they end up shredded in the more traditional sense of the word. Then you'll basically just be defrosting a big red slush puppy. So you gradually swap out their regular blood for a synthetic, that doesn't just do all your regular blood jobs but is also crammed with lots of goodies derived from all kinds of crazy shit.

WARREN: Crazy shit infusions.

GORDON: Look, I wasn't there and I'm not a cryo...ologist. But the company's been trying to develop and refine life-extending drugs for years. If you want to follow the money, there is an R&D black fucking hole in this company when it comes to human longevity projects. They're taking DNA from amphibians, those little frogs who get frozen in lakes all winter and survive to seethe spring, cold-climate insects, there's the, uh, rotten egg gas, uh-

WARREN: What?

GORDON: Hydrogen sulphide, they used that as a fucking chemical weapon in WW1, terrifically dangerous, but apparently its loaded with all this crap that protects your arteries and whatever. The stuff in red wine thats meant to be good for you, fucking olive oil, who knows. Anyway they fill their boys, Yogi and BooBoo and whoever, with bags of this stuff, teddy bears fucking picnic indeed, so they're as ready as they'll ever be when they go in the freezer. That's why they're all named after bears, man. They're going into hibernation.

PAUSE. WARREN LISTENS TO THE RAIN.

WARREN: So I have a lot of questions.

GORDON: Are they all about accounting?

WARREN: Not exclusively-

GORDON: Come on, man! I am talking to you about illegal experimentation into human cryonic preservation! If Icould show you the receipts I would but this is what I have.

WARREN: You have to concede that what this is, is two men sat in the rain in a 1998 Vauxhall Astra.

GORDON: I get it, you need more. I'm doing this as gradually as I can because if I showed you the whole jigsaw you head would pop off your skinny fucking shoulders. Here is your next puzzle piece.

GLOVE BOX OPENS AND CLOSES.

WARREN: Another tape.

GORDON: Another tape.

WARREN: This, uh, this won't fit in my dictaphone.

GORDON: No it won't Mr. Godby, but luckily you're sitting in a 1998 Vauxhall Astra. What it lacks in air conditioning it makes up for in a top notch cassette player.

GORDON PUTS THE TAPE IN THE PLAYER. IT BURSTS TO LIFE.

END

[princess-of-purple-prose]

Hi there! Please take a look at accessiblepublishing dot ca's guide to image description. There's a few mistakes in your transcribing and since you're sharing templates for other people to copy and paste, these mistakes are just going to multiply. A couple in particular I've noticed are: overly lengthy/confusing descriptors, paragraph breaks, restating plain text (screen readers already read plain text), restating audio, using styles in post, and using personal opinion in descriptors. It's great that you want to help make things more accessible, but please work to standardize your descriptors if you're going to be instructing others.

Hi, anon!! I really appreciate the feedback!! First, I actually have been dragging my feet for ages on fixing our earliest descriptions on the meme templates doc, so I will take this as my push to pare some of them down and make them clearer! I'll do my best to respond to everything here, going under the assumption that you mostly mean the descriptions I post on Tumblr rather than the ones on the doc:

Overly lengthy descriptors: I'm always working on this! I imagine my biggest offense on this is for comic IDs, but I generally intend for those to convey some manner of the style and flow of the art. I would actually appreciate being sent feedback on specific offenders if you want to show me where I've gone wrong!

Paragraph breaks: I write IDs as intended for plain text rather than alt, generally, but alt on Tumblr supports line breaks anyway. (The meme doc was also aimed for plain text, given the "ID: / End ID" formatting.) As I have seen a few sources saying paragraph breaks aid readability and I (a sighted person) definitely can't read long blocks of text, and I don't think I'm going to stop using paragraph breaks. I'm genuinely sorry if this is an inconvenience, but it is always okay to take my IDs and edit them as necessary if they don't measure up! (Also, I swear to god I don't say this to be petty, I'm trying to cover my bases because I haven't seen paragraph breaks being advised against in descriptions before: the accessiblepublishing guide also uses paragraph breaks in its examples for alt text? Do you have reasoning or other sources to explain why paragraph breaks are bad?)

Plain text: I take cues from posts like this one on plain text! Tl;dr, plain text is still important for low vision users who may not use screenreaders, and screenreaders also can struggle with special fonts or gradient text, so it's worth adding transcripts

Restating audio: I'm... not sure what this means? Are you talking about audio transcriptions? I will take advice on those if given, sorry I didn't catch your meaning!

Styles: I try very hard to use fully plain text except bold fonts for IDs, with the very occasional phrase in caps lock or italics, and wasn't aware I was overusing formatting otherwise? The people's accessibility server once advised my friend and me on doing a series of long comic descriptions and generally stated that bold was the most readable kind of special formatting, so that's what I go for. I'll keep an eye on it!

Personal opinions: I'll keep an eye on this as well, thanks for letting me know! (I'd thought I was doing a good job, do you have examples for me to look over?)

Sorry this was so long, I wanted to be thorough! Thanks again anon, I am always open to feedback on my descriptions!! Have a great day!!!

[karlmarxmaybe]

ASKING FOR ADVICE TO HELP AN ABUSED CHILD

I know of a trans Canadian child whose parents are transphobic and abusive. He's at high risk of self-harm. I don't know much info about him (name, specific region of Canada he lives in) bc I only know him from his youtube channel. If you know how I can help him, please answer or message me. Details about the situation below.

TW: child abuse, neglect, transphobia, CSA, suicide attempt

Hello. I recently found a very tiny youtube channel that posts gameplays, tiktoks and clips of animated shows. It is run by a teenager (I don't know his age for sure) who makes community posts talking about his terrible life situation. He is a trans boy and his parents are very transphobic, they actively gaslight him and tell him nobody cares about him, they forbid him from talking to people and are actively infringing his rights. He also talks about being repeatedly sexually assaulted and abused by classmates at his school, in 4th grade. His mother's husband installed a camera in the living room and it makes him feel unsafe. He shows signs of PTSD and has attempted suicide various times. He needs immediate help.

I tried calling Canadian child servicies but they need to know for which region of Canada I'm calling and I don't know which region he lives in (I only know he's located in Canada from his youtube info). I am trying the Canadian trans helpline but it's always occupied. I don't know what else to do.

Please, someone who knows how I can help respond or message me. If you don't know how to help reblog so it can get to someone who knows. Please, we have to help him.

I have transcribed some of his posts below so you have more info. Again, trigger warnings for child abuse, neglect, transphobia, CSA and suicide attempt.

Post from a year ago:

I always thought that no matter how bad things got at home i would still have school and i wouldn't really get hurt or touched but not anymore | guess. So last Wednesday a boy classmate of mine kneed me on the butt and when another classmate confronted him he just played it off as a joke then today durning second recess a girl in the other __th grade class came up to me randomly and slapped me on the butt and when | told her to stop and leave me alone the boy from last Wednesday came and kicked me on the butt then the girl came and slapped me on the butt a second time and then ran. When | tried to tell a teacher that was on duty she told the girl that she's not in trouble and to just talk it out with me. Worst part of it is | thought of her as a friend and multiple people were telling the girl to leave me alone.

Post from 10 months ago:

Just found out my parents secretly his acamera in the living room and now | feel,unsafe? Now, idk if unsafe is the right wordbut once | saw it | started getting anxiousalmost immediately. | know it's just a camera and it's in the living room instead of a bedroom or bathroom but still, there shouldn't BE a camera anywhere anyways.

Post from 9 months ago:

My mom and her husband keep acting sexual with each other, which isn't unexpected, they're two adults who are married to each other but what | mean by this is they'll act sexual almost anywhere but alone in their room, mostly in the kitchen. So lately whenever | go into the kitchen whether it be because they called me or both my siblings name making me think they want me or because I'm hungry, and when | see them being sexual with each other, my mom blames me because "| should know better" then tells me about doing explicit stuff with her husband then gets mad at me for being upset

Think of what | said like a AITA reddit post, I basically just want an opinion on the situation

Post from 3months ago:

does anyone else feel like they're going insane due to their parents? turns out that a shit ton of the stuff my mother has taught me is just all bullshit lies that have ruined my life in so many ways, and my stepdad constently tells me that he's going to kill my cat and if i had blue eyes then my mother would love me. and that's not even mentioning the phsyical abuse or anything i've repressed. it all feels like torture but i have to deal with it because everyone has it worse then me and what if i tell another adult? they'll have to get CAS involed then i'll get taken away and put into a worse home and i'll ruin my siblings lives and the entire family all because i was selfish. but what if that was just another one of my mothers lies and it's none of that willhappen??? but what about all those damn documentaries and shows my mother would make me watch of other children that had been put into terrible foster homes?? that means it can happen to me if i don't keep my mouth shut but i feel like i'm slowly going insane and i don't know what to do, there's nothing i can do! do i deserve this because i'm a bad child? or was a bad child? was i bound to live like this? did i do something wrong again and i just can't remember it again??? what do i do??? what have i done??? i don't know anymore and i want this to all stop but the only way to stop it is death but that'll be selfish because what if someone finds my dead body??? what if there's still people that care about me??? then it'll be cruel to end myself when people still care about me because i'll make them sad. i've already ruined so many people's lives while alive i shouldn't continue it while being dead. or is that also not true? is none of it true? is everyone but my parents the ones that are actually correct? i really can't tell anymore and that hurts the most

Post from 3 months ago:

what do I do with transphobic parents?yesterday i had to be with my parents for about 8 hours as my mother screamed at me and told me a bunch of terrible things because she found out i want to be a boy and she refuses to see me as one. some of the things she said is that wanting to be the opposite gender is a mental illness, how she feels like i killed her daughter. she straight told me that she will never accept me and that no matter how much i care about someone nobody really cares about me and everyone will just forget about me in a few years and how the ONLY people that care about me is my mother and step-father. she also forbids me from talking to anyone but i luckily have a secret computer that I've been using to talk to a friend. do i just have to accept all of this? is there anything i can do? i'm not old enough to move out and there's no one outside my household that i can stay with, even if there was my mother would just put up a huge fight having me go back anyways. | don't know what to do, i mean as long as i'm not getting physically hurt then I should just accept basically being mentally tortured, right? | just have to survive 4 more years then i can move far away but i just wantto die more and more everyday, and i was getting better when everyone at school was being accepting but yesterday my mother destroyed all of it. honestly I'll be surprised if I'm still alive in 2 years, and I'm really trying to continue living for my 2 best friends and my cat but if my mom's correct and they don't actually care about me then what the hell's the point. i don't know anymore, please can anyone give me a sliver of advice on how to deal with any of this

Post from 1 month ago:

Sometimes I wonder if both my parents loved me and treated me like human being, raised me with human decency, just like they treat everyone else.

How different would I be? Surely I'd be better, right? Hypothetically? It doesn't matter anyways, | want to die so much I've already tried three times this week and when | tried to ask my mom for a therapist she said | don't need one, she literally signed me up for some sort of waiting list thing and when | finally told her | got a voicemail to call back she told me that | don't need one and started to guilt trip me. | fucking need it, if lanyards didn't snap open easily then | would be dead. The only reason I'm still alive is because the lanyard snaps open whenever | try to hang myself with it and I'm too tires to go searching for something better. | fucking hate this, I'll try to kill myself one night then go to school the next day as if I wouldn't be dead if it weren't for a stupid lanyard. It's stupid and I'm just making people concerned whenever I'm acting "off". Nobody would be concerned about me ever again if | was dead. How many things can | YELL before they finally listen to me? How many things do | have to do before they notice or know? And those statements, or questions, go for everyone in my life. It doesn't matter how much | ask for help or simply show are yell about how I'm not alright everyone just keeps doing what their doing and won't listen until about an hour later of me trying to show I'm upset someone finally notices and | say that | was literally yelling at them and they still didn't even notice me, when that happens they feel bad and start to apologize. For SOME people it now just feels like empty apologizes, while for others | know they have a hard time paying attention especially when someone already has their attention so they get a pass because it's not they mean it. But still. At this point does it really matter? | have a job, a purpose if you will, and that is to protect and care for everyone. But some people | don't want to take care of. | don't want to keep taking care of grown adults who hardly take care of me, but | still have to because | know them. If | die I'll only feel bad for my cat and my 2 best friends. I've lost everything else that made me want to live. My little cousin's, my grandpa, | hardly see my Nana and my mom's cousin/ my "aunt” anymore. | promised to myself that | would protect my cousin's and now they're god knows where and everyone else is some other reason, the worst part might be that they're not dead, they're still alive, | can cope with death much easier than abandonment.But it's whatever. It's life. You lose people and eventually you die. So what's the point anymore? | could kill myself during summer break and nobody but my family would know. At least my friends wouldn't be worried and sorrowful

Post from 3 weeks ago:

My parents took away my mattress, my bedframe is bars, | have no where to sleep buton a broken couch that someone has masturbated on SEVERAL times

Post from 4 days ago:

| hate remembering stuff so much, I've taught myself to forget all the bad memories, so much so that I'm quick to forget even the good memories. But now lately whenever | try to use my method to forget stuff | just remember more. | don't want to remember more. | hate it so much. | don't want to remember all the time's I've been SAd at school. Why the fuck do | have to remember that. | hate remembering what happened each time. | hate remembering being surrounded by several people and all they did was STAND THERE AND FUCKING AS | CRIED AND SCREAMED AT THEM TO STOP. | FUCKING HATE THAT | HAVE TO REMEMBER IT. THEN BEING BLAMED FOR CAUSING A SCENE OR TOLD THAT IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT, A MISTAKE. IT WASN'T A FUCKING ACCIDENT. THEY WERE TOLD TO LEAVE ME ALONE BEFORE HAND. THEN WHEN THEY ACTUALLY STARTED SLAPPING MY ASS AND | SCREAMED AT THEM TO STOP THEY FUCKING DIDN'T ALL THEY DID WASLAUGH. so it wasn't a fucking mistake. Infact they would've kept going and it would'vegotten worse if | wasn't saved by the bell. The people | was hanging out with just stared and watched. Out of all the time's I've been SA'd at school only ONE person has even tried to help me, Olivia told D to leave me alone beforehand because she knows | would never want that, especially unexpected and by someone who | hardly knew, even when D and M wouldn't leave me alone Olivia was trying to also scream at them to leave me alone and when the bell rang she ran over to me, put her hand on my back and led me over to our doors, led me up the stairs and helped me to find the French teacher because | trusted her. That was the only time someone tried to help. Not any of the times in 4th grade, and that shit went one everyday for 3 months! And at no point did anyone help me on track and field day, despite being surrounded by so many people all they did was watch or look the other way when | was pinned to the ground and being touched inappropriately by TWO people. So of course | had to fight to get back to standing. And when a teacher finally came over because | was screaming and crying,despite telling them what had just happened they just gave me trouble for causing a scene. | fucking hate all the people that touched me the way they did. | hate that people just stood there and did fucking nothing. And | fucking hate the teachers that just waved me off and said it was fine. | fucking hate remembering shit that | want to desperately forget